When There's No Fruit

Original Image Source

(This post is tough for me to write. I've written and deleted it several times now, honestly. So here it goes. Please be gentle. )

I am not a patient person. I am not patient, and I do not like to surrender control. I'm the type of person who sees an issue, sees something that needs to be done, and I want to tackle it right. now.

I've shared some of the story of my journey to FAM and my fascination with how my body works, but I'll be honest. It hasn't been smooth sailing.

The first couple of months went great. I began to trust my body, and everything looked great. We were avoiding pregnancy for the first few months.

And then, after discussing and praying and calculating, we decided to stop preventing pregnancy, and try to conceive our first little one.

And my "normal" cycles stopped. My charts have been all over the place, and I'm not ovulating.
 
Honestly? I'm frustrated. Frustrated and disheartened. Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to do? Granted, it's only been four months. I know so many people have struggled for much, much longer. My heart goes out to them. As I said, I'm impatient.

I want babies at my breast, I want little feet, I want horribly disgusting diapers, I want challenges and emotions and hard decisions, I want sweet baby smell, I want waking up at three in the morning.

I am open to life. Very open. I am willing to carry, bear, and raise as many children as the Lord blesses us with. I believe all children are a blessing. All of them.

But what do you do when life just doesn't seem to come? What do I do when my body is fighting against my ideals and my dreams? 

I've been, in the words of my darling husband, "grumpy." He's much less tightly wound then I am. Perhaps he has a deeper faith. He keeps reminding me that I need to trust in God, that He knows best. The other day, after a sobbing breakdown, Zeke set me down with a Bible, and told me to find some truth.

The Bible is pretty great for attitude adjustments, too, but Hunky Husband was too sweet (or too afraid of what my reaction would be) to suggest that I needed one of those.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will exalt my God who is my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights."

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (emphasis mine)

 Another cycle just ended, and my womb is still empty. Fruitless. There are no cattle in my stall.

I'm holding on to these verses. "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will exalt my God."

Of course, I don't have all the answers. I don't even know all the questions, for that matter. And I know that I will have a hard time rejoicing and exalting. A very hard time.

Pray for me, will you?

7 Quick Takes: Ice and Snowmobiles and Crouch Gussets

 Linking up today with Conversion Diary's 7QT!

1

It's cold in my office. But really, can I complain? I'm taking a coffee break and blogging instead of editing databases. Let he who actually does some stinkin' work be the first to have a space heater! 

2

My husband is leaving this weekend for a Men's Retreat at a camp about three hours away. He's going with the awesome men's group he joined at church. 

One whole weekend, all alone. 

I'm either going to be super productive and finish all.the.projects, or I'm going to sit in front of Netflix for 14 hours straight. Jury's still out. 

3

 Around here, we're quickly approaching a weekend that can only be dubbed as "complete madness on ice." I'm not even kidding. See last year:

 There are bunches of people out on the lake. Bunches. Drinkin' beer and fishing. In heated ice houses. Which I still don't understand. (A heater? On the ICE? Doesn't that seem... counterproductive? Suicidal?)

And then there's this... See in the middle of my terribly lit picture there? That's a tow truck. On the lake. Working on pulling up a truck that fell through the ice. While all these other big heavy trucks are just standing around going, "Yes, someone did fall through the ice. So what?" I just.. I just don't understand.

This is coming. Next weekend. But unlike last year, this year we have some snow! So add a bunch of snowmobiles to this picture. 

4

Speaking of snowmobiles! 

Zeke and I have been rationing watching a show on Netflix called "Yukon Men." 

I know. Just. Just don't even comment. 

There are only (only) nine episodes up on the 'Flix, so we've been limiting ourselves. Tragic, I know. 

I was reading a book (er, I mean, watching the show with my hubby and enjoying some quality time with the one I luurrve) and heard one of the main characters refer to a snowmobile as a "Snow-Go." Super cute! So now I've got to purchase myself a snowmobile so I can call it my Snow-Go. I go! In the snow! Go Snow Snow-Go! 

I'm out of coffee. I need some more.

5

Speaking of buying a snowmobile! (Wow, my brain today, huh? Fridays...)

I have been snowmobiling before. I'm very proud of myself in this regard. No, seriously. I'm not much of a going-fast, motors-and-oil kind of a gal. HH has been instrumental in me getting over this, of course.

We went to Zeke's brother's place in Colorado one winter- he owns a snowmobile touring company out there. I did really pretty well, actually! 

I don't have photographic proof of this event at the moment. I'll getcha some later, promise. Because it really did happen!

6

For Christmas, I got a new purse, and oh goodness, I'm all about it lately. 

(Mine isn't red, though)

It's from Duluth Trading Company. We started shopping there because they have pants with "crouch gussets," and if I knew who invented that miracle in modern engineering, I would bake them ninety million cakes. My darling husband tends to crouch, and bend, and lift and strain... and blow out the crotch of EVERY SINGLE pair of pants he has. And then I mend them. And then they're all torn up again, and then I mend them. And eventually the patches need patches. You get the idea.

Those pants are awesome though. Pricey. But AWESOME. No rips. And he's been wearing them for two months. This is unheard of. 

Anyway. So I was looking for more pants for him (because they're awesome) and stumbled upon this bag and fell in love. And I love it even more now. It holds everything. It fits my household planner no prob. Love love love love.

7

 Okay, I can't help myself. 

Look at these gussets!

Right!??!? Right!?!?

I know. I need to get out more.

Ten Minute Tuesday: Organize Kitchen Drawers

Is it Tuesday already?

All the crazy weather has me with my days all mixed up. To be honest, having New Years in the middle of the week (yes, I know, it was two entire weeks ago) still has me all confused. Still.

Today, I took ten extra minutes around the house to... ba da dummmmm... organize my kitchen drawers (and by drawers, I mean three of 'em.)

Just set your timer and go- you don't need to get all your drawers done today, but it feels so good to go through as many as you can!

I don't know about you, but when we got married, I not only gained a spouse- I also gained a big sign on my forehead that says "Please give me kitchen utensils for every gift-giving holiday!"

We're blessed, and my kitchen drawers over- floweth.

First, I took all the stuff out of the drawers (one drawer at a time) and took out the things we use most commonly. I had about ninety thousand wooden spoons, so I just chose the ones we use the most, including some 'specialty' spoons (ie, the one Hunky Husband uses to stir Kool-Aid because it's got those lovely rainbow-colored stains).

The rest of the spoons went into storage for the time being, along with some of the extra kitchen supplies we were given for the wedding, but if we didn't have that box already in the attic, I would have donated them in a snap!

Now we'll have less shuffling utensils around to find the right ones!

A Word for 2014: ENOUGH

I'm not so great with making resolutions, and I'm even worse at sticking to them... so our New Year sort of came and went with little fanfare and we went to bed around 11:30 on New Year's Eve, and spent most of New Year's Day watching movies.

Huh. It was pretty much like last year... starting a tradition, are we?

Even though I'm not much for resolutions, I do like a year to have a theme. Maybe it's just the type-A personality hiding somewhere inside of me (underneath the disaster of my disorganized craft room), but I like .... themes. Structure. Plans. Inspirations.

And so when Jen mentioned a word of the year in her post last Friday (that I just read a couple days ago), I thought, "Ah ha! A theme!"

Then I just had to come up with one.

I've been accused (and rightly so) of being... a bit... dramatic. At times. Most of the time. I like life to have some spice! I embellish stories, I over-exaggerate events, I make mountains out of molehills, I really want people to like me, I get very emotional... all that. And for the most part, that's okay. It's part of who I am.

The problem comes in when it goes too far. Looking back at my life (especially in high school, but weren't we all a little over-dramatic then? Maybe?) I see a lot of times that I went overboard. Times when my need for a little drama, a little attention (okay, maybe a lot of attention) went beyond normal and ended up harming people. Ended up in outright lies, in deceit and dishonesty and ended up reflecting very badly on me. Who I am was harmed by who I wanted so badly to be. 

It was all deep-seated in a lie I've been fighting for a long time- that I'm not enough. I don't know where it came from, and really, I think we all struggle with this particular untruth at times.

I, for one, am sick of it.

I thought that as I got older, the feeling that I wasn't good enough would go away. When I got to college, I thought that being away from my family might inspire just the right amount confidence in myself so I wouldn't have to hear that whisper of doubt. That didn't happen. Then I thought that maybe when I found a man who loved me, who wanted to marry me, then I would finally feel good enough.

I've been married for two years now, and let me tell you, I've found that marriage brings out insecurities I never knew I had.

The truth is that I'm still struggling with the lie that I'm not good enough. That lie is still, still causing problems in my actions and my thoughts.

Not feeling like I am a good enough daughter led to pushing myself into the business of my siblings and becoming the bossy, nosy sister so my parents will find me more valuable.

Not feeling like I am a good enough wife leads to guilt towards my husband and insecurity around other women.

Not feeling like I am a good enough housekeeper makes me grouchy at my husband for not helping more around the house (and has led to more than my fair share of "socks on the floor" arguments).

My word for 2014 is ENOUGH.
 (Which, when you write it a bunch of times starts looking weird, and like you've misspelled it...)

I am enough, because Christ is enough, and He lives in me. I just really need to start believing that.



Enough enough enough enough enough. See? Doesn't that look weird?

Theme Thursday: Bare

Today, I'm linking up with Cari over at Clan Donaldson for Theme Thursday! This Thursday's theme?

Bare. Or Bear. I think I'm covering both bases on this one!

Just like the majority of the contiguous United States, we got lots of winter weather this past week. Unfortunately, because I live at work, the whole "my-car-won't-start-so-I-can't-come-in" thing didn't apply to Zeke or myself.  I cursed my 50-step walk to work while my nosehairs froze.

But I didn't  have to be out in it.

My Hunky Husband on the other hand... well, he's the guy who moves all the snow. So he did have to be out in it.

Granted, this picture was taken yesterday, when we had a high temp of 23 degrees (as opposed to the day before, at -19. Negative.Nineteen.Degrees.Fahrenheit.) and he wasn't at quite so much risk of frostbite....

But seriously? No coat? Bare arms?

Well, my big bear of a man, while snow-blowing, found himself becoming... get this... sweaty.

Meanwhile, I sat in my office, space heater on high and pointed directly at my feet, with a blanket over my lap, shivering. Well, opposites attract, right?

Wordless Wednesday: Footprints in the Snow

(In my front yard)

Turkey

Bunny

The Orange Ferrel Cat that I keep trying to catch that keeps ignoring my "Here Kitty, Kitty!" pleas for friendship

Messy Monday (or, A Bunch of Random Things all Strung Together)

Everyone, I have been a terrible blogger this past month. Month? Well, it's been more than a month, now, hasn't it?

I told myself I wasn't gonna post a "I haven't posted in a while" post. But man, I haven't posted in a while.

I meant to post a cute Christmas ornament tutorial.

I meant to show you all pictures of my festively decorated house.

I meant to tell you all the many things circling around and pinging off the insides of my skull.

I haven't done any of those things. And it's okay. This is real life here, people. Sometimes stuff gets in the way and priorities change and I actually have the laundry under control and that's totally good enough right now. (Update: I don't have the laundry under control anymore. Zeke just got home. How do you get three stocking caps dirty in one day?)

So, in one fell swoop, here's a catch up post. Not ketchup, catch up. (And how come I have four half-empty bottles of ketchup? Who buys this stuff, anyways? Wait, maybe the bottles are half-full.... perspective, Adrie! Perspective!)


My Hunky Husband and I went on a second honeymoon/had to get away trip to Wisconsin Dells early this month. It was glorious. No emergency maintenance phone calls, no way to do laundry... glorious. And cold. Very cold. There was really no one around, which isn't terribly surprising because it was December. In Wisconsin. 

And it looked a lot like this....
 

Snowy Husband!

But, on the bright side, we stayed indoors for the majority of the week (can you say "Hot Tub!"), except when we went and did this.

I perfected an awesome new snowboarding move. I'm not sure what to call it yet- so I'll need some suggestions. It's inventive and great.

Here's the premise- while going down the mountain, you fall on your tush (hard) and somehow manage to spin around, on your bottom, at least five entire rotations while simultaneously still sliding down said mountain. Any ideas? I think this move should be an addition to the Olympics. Extra points if, during this move, you keep saying, "Seriously? Seriously? Can't I just fall like a normal person?"

After a demonstration of my cool new move! (Faces blurred to protect the truly terrible at snowboarding)

Also? Did you know that snowboarding is a major workout? Even if by "snowboarding" you really mean "falling on your caboose and trying to get back up again?" I had no idea. I was so. darn. sore. My shoulders were sore. I wasn't expecting that. And my butt really hurt, which I was kind of expecting.

I spent the rest of the trip in the hot tub. Glorious.

And then it was Christmastime! Already! I rushed to make these

for our co-workers and neighbors, and then I got to spend some time with this little guy...

my 2-year-old nephew, who is really stinking cute, but needs to improve his selfie-taking skills.

We went to Chicago to visit the greats (aka my great-aunts and -uncles), all of whom have shrunk from their statuesque 5'3" or so selves (ha) down to about 4'10"... and so made my darling husband look like a giant. Most of the greats hadn't met Zeke yet. There was lots of pointing. It was great.

And then all of the sudden, Christmas was over, New Years was over, and now it's stinking cold. Seriously- the high temp here today was -10. The high temp. Of the whole day. Was ten degrees below zero. Brr.

There were turkeys huddling in the window well of my office today. See?

 

They were doing the thing where they stand on one foot so their other leg can warm up.  I got very little done today at work, I'll admit it.



Whew! So now we're all caught up. On to 2014, and may your new year begin with many blessings!