Relationship Red Flags

Even though we're often surprised by the unexpected, and even though there isn't really such a thing as "The One," I do believe that there is such a thing as the wrong one.

There are red flags.

There are warning signs, things that should tip you off that maybe this person isn't right for you.

First and foremost, dating someone who isn't the same faith as you are, that's a big red flag. Your values will be different than his, your background and history and priorities and understanding of some fundamentals will be different. And trust me, it causes problems. Red flag. 

Our friends are often the reflections of ourselves. If his friends don't like you, it's a warning sign that he may be acting differently around you- that he's not being true to himself. And if your friends don't like him, find out why. If it's something superficial (he stepped on her toes in third grade and didn't apologize), that's one thing- but if it's something bigger, be open and receptive to what your friend has to say.

You decide how you allow yourself to be treated in a relationship. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, even in the guise of teasing or joking around, tell him. And don't tolerate it. You are a beautiful person on the outside and the inside, and you are a child of the Most High God. You deserve respect and to be treated with kindness.

... including his parents or your parents. Disrespect for authority shows immaturity, defiance, arrogance, and trouble submitting to God. None of those things are healthy in a relationship. Down the road, if you marry him, chances are that he'll start seeing you as some sort of authority figure and resent you, or he'll just act like a spoiled child. Going against "the man" might seem cool or socially informed or whatever, but it's a sign that there are underlying issues here.

We've talked about this already a bit- but seriously. Not being yourself around this guy is a red flag. It signals that you're not really meshing well- your personalities or senses of humor or conversational styles just don't match up. That's okay. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or with him. But it does mean that pursuing this relationship probably isn't a great thing. You should be a better, more true version of yourself when you're with this person- but you shouldn't change into someone you're not.


And, of course, if he's violent, abusive, emotionally damaging, if he yells at you or hurts you, if he tries to violate the boundaries you've determined for yourself, stay away. I wish that it didn't need to be said, but unfortunately, we still live in a fallen world, and it happens. Don't think that it won't happen to you- be prepared, and get help if you need it.


I'm all for giving people chances- my life is one big huge second chance- but I also believe in guarding our hearts, in protecting ourselves. Here's the thing- you have to decide these things for yourself.

Maybe you see a red flag, but you're going to proceed. That's up to you and God. But I know that had I gotten some better advice as a young woman (or actually taken some of the advice I was given!), I could have avoided lots of experiences that took a long time to recover from.



What do you consider to be a Relationship Red Flag? 

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This post is part of a series on Christian Singleness and Dating. 

Expectations: I Dumped My Husband After Our Third Date {Guest Post}

I dumped my husband, Tom, after our third date.

It was obvious from the first time I met him that he had a genuine love for God. My best friend's husband grew up with him and raved about his integrity and his involvement in the community. During our first few dates, I discovered he was also intelligent and fun. He made it clear that he was interested in me and that he wanted to pursue a relationship.

But he didn't look like the guys I was usually attracted to, and he didn't make me feel like the other guys, either. I'd spent years pining after guys who gave me that feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Sure, those guys were usually vague about their intentions, and very rarely committed to anything beyond coffee, but how I loved that butterfly feeling!

There were no butterflies with Tom. I liked super-tall, slender guys and he was 5'11 with an athletic build. He was loud. He had funny glasses. And he was bald! My hands didn't get clammy at the sight of him, and I didn't get that nervous feeling of anticipation around him. I immediately decided a relationship wouldn't work, and only agreed to go on the second and third dates to appease my best friend.

So when he asked me out for a 4th date, I said no. I felt confident in my decision until I told my friend Kate about it.

Kate looked me in the eyes and said, "You've been waiting 29 years for a godly guy who wants to pursue you. Now you've found one and you've dumped him because he doesn't look like you thought he would! Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the butterfly feeling you felt with the other guys was actually anxiety? You're not feeling that with Tom because he's made his intentions clear and you don't have to wonder what he's thinking."

Her words hit me hard and I knew she was right. I went home to pray and experienced one of the few times in my life where I clearly heard God speak to me. I knew 100% that I would regret it if I let this man walk out of my life.

Tom was gracious enough to give me another chance. Once I started looking at him for who he was (and not how he looked), he suddenly became extremely attractive and handsome to me. We were married 6 months later!

Since then, I've noticed that many of my single girlfriends are making the same mistake I almost did. They are praying for godly men to pursue them, but they immediately disqualify anyone who is not their "type." I recently watched a friend decline a match on an online dating service for the sole reason that the guy was too short at 5'7". He shared her faith, her interests, and they even had several real-life friends in common. But she wants a tall guy. (By the way, she's only 4'11").

Please understand me: I'd never imply that women should get involved in a long-term or serious relationship with someone they find unattractive. But I am suggesting that single women need to allow time for physical attraction to develop.

How much time is appropriate? That's between you and the Lord. In my case, the attraction didn't develop until I opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship with Tom on that 4th date. Someone women may need more time, and some may need a little less. My point is that you need to make sure you're approaching your time together with an open mind and open heart.

I realize that every situation is different. Not every man will be clear about his intentions like Tom was. Many of you have never had a man pursue you.

However, most women know at least one or two godly single men who, for whatever reason, aren't "boyfriend material." Maybe they're too geeky, too athletic, too short, too tall, or too whatever. You enjoy their friendship and you like hanging out in groups with them, but you are sending out a vibe that says "I'm not interested, so don't even think about asking me out."

Ladies, let me challenge you to make a conscious effort to take down those walls. This doesn't mean you start flirting or being forward. It means you show your interest in them as human beings, as fellow believers in Christ. You don't let your lack of romantic attraction color your interactions with them. It means that you give them a fair chance before you decide you're not interested in starting a relationship with them.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. How have you seen this play out in your life or in the lives of your friends? How do you decide when you've given someone a fair chance? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Lisa Newton writes over at Amateur Nester, where she provides support, encouragement, and awesome resources for couples going through infertility. I've really been blessed by her interviews with couples going through this infertility thing- I've found a great community and great hope there!

Expectations: Giving God the Reigns {Guest Post}

 Marie* ran into Joey at a bookstore. They recognized each other from the Christian club on campus. The sparks were obvious, but when Joey asked Marie out on a date she wasn’t sure she should say yes. She knew he was a new Christian, and being mature Believer herself, she didn’t think he could offer her the Spiritual leadership she was looking for in a partner.

An online dating service matched Mitchell with Joy. He found her big smile and love for the Lord attractive and immediately began pursuing her. Joy thought Mitchell seemed like a great man. But, he was older than her self-imposed limit and he had a young daughter from a previous relationship. Joy wasn’t quite sure he lined up with her expectations.

Ryan and Christy had been friends for ages. Then, Ryan started to sense that Christy was interested in more. He thought she was beautiful and he genuinely enjoyed being with her, however, aspects of her personality and interests didn’t completely line up with the qualities he wanted in a wife. Yes, they shared a love for Christ, had common interests, and similar life goals, but she could be shy: more introverted and less outgoing then him. He wasn’t sure he wanted a wife of those qualities.

I've been married for ten years, so when Adrie asked me to do a guest post on dating I had to laugh a bit. Dating seems like eons ago. However, after reflecting on her request I realized that my married status has given me an interesting perspective on dating. Because I married young I've had the ability to watch my friends and my sister navigate the dating scene from the outside looking in. This perspective, I believe, has given me some insight that I may not have seen had I been dating myself these past few years.

The above scenarios are all real. They are just three examples of many I could have posted. The first story is actually the story of my husband and myself. The other two are couples that invited RJ (my husband) and I along on their dating journey. Both couples are now happily married (to each other). However, as I insinuated above, they almost weren't. All three of these relationships almost failed before they began. For one major reason: Unmet, Self-Realized Expectations. Let me explain.

Christians are hugely fond of the cliche: God moves in mysterious ways. We laugh as we say it, believing the words are true, but genuinely hoping they aren't necessarily true for us. Particularly when it comes to our love life.

I believe it’s easier for many of us to give up control of our education, of our living situation or even of our careers than it is to relinquish control of our dating life. Trusting the Lord with our hearts is scary. Giving the Lord control of our romantic relationships leaves us vulnerable. Because what if what He has for us is different than we anticipated?

How many of you, and be honest now, have a list that looks something like this:

• He should be older than me, but no more than five years older.
• She must love mountain biking and backpacking, otherwise we will have nothing in common
• I know people make mistakes, but a divorce or children from an unwed union is an absolute no-go for me
• She must be college educated; preferably have a Masters like myself
• Etc., etc. etc.

We use these rules and guidelines to maintain control over our romantic relationships. Control feels good. But you know what control does – it keeps us from hearing the voice of the Lord. It keeps us from the one that He might have chosen for us.

If we are to believe the equally beloved cliché: The Lord wants His best for us. (And he does!) Than we need to relinquish that control. We need to allow Him to guide our romantic relationships.

Learn to listen to the Holy Spirit’s voice. Especially when it comes to dating. The Lord loves you – He will not match you with someone you’ll be miserable with. He may match you with someone different than you originally expected, but it will be the person that is best suited to you. Don’t miss that special person, the love of your life, because you’re chasing your own self-imposed expectations. (Psalm 143:8-10)

My husband may have been a young Christian but his fervor for the Lord impassioned me when I was dry. He still many not know much Scripture by memory but he did, and continues to, continually lead me to the cross. He is very much a spiritual leader albeit different type than I originally thought I needed.

As for the other stories I shared, Joy agreed to go out with Mitchell. She was skeptical at first but it took only three dates for her to know that he was right for her. They've been married for over a year now and are head-over-heels for each other. Ask her now about their age difference being a problem and she’ll look at you like you’re crazy.

Ryan almost didn't ask Christy out. He really thought he wanted someone with a bigger personality. Five years after their wedding vows he now knows a big personality would have been completely wrong for him. Two big personalities in one household can make things crowded. Ryan is smitten, devoted, and thankful for his strong, peace-loving wife who compliments his boisterous personality perfectly.

(One last thing, listening to the Holy Spirit takes practice. You’ll hear His voice in prayer, through the Word, and through the guidance of spiritual friendships. Part of learning to hear His voice also involves trail and error. So take risks and seek opportunities. Is a friend encouraging you to try online dating? Give it go! Does your mom want to set you up on a blind date? Why not! That awkwardly cute guy at Bible study is staring at you? Go say Hi. You never know whom the Lord may have in store.)

Anna is a wife to RJ, a mommy to two busy little blondie boys, an outdoor enthusiast, and a blogger over at Two Cent Sparrow. She writes about travel, camping, raising little guys, adoption, books, fashion, and more. If you're planning on doing any camping with little ones this summer, I strongly recommend that you head over and pin her posts on camping with kids- they're brilliant!

Expectations: Thank God for Second Chances

Growing up, I had an image of how my life was going to go. How my marriage would look.

I would get up in the morning in the city, kiss my 5'10" husband good-bye as he headed to the office, briefcase in hand. We'd come home from work and he'd tell me about his day, with clients or business partners or the board or something to do with architecture... something "office-y." We'd have a pleasant life.

To put it simply, none of that happened.

My marriage looks completely different than I expected.

I get up in the morning to the sound of wild turkeys in the woods near my house. I kiss my 6'5" husband good-bye as he heads to the shop, and then we see each other again about 5 minutes later at morning prayer... because we work together. He tells me about his day, with Roto-Rooters and sockets and wrenches and boat hoists that needed a new cable.

And I don't have a pleasant life. I have an amazing, vibrant life.

See, I had expectations. Nothing about my marriage meets my old expectations. My marriage is nothing that I expected; it's more than I could ever have dreamed. 

God had more in store for me.



I think so many of us have lists of what we are looking for in a relationship. Whether the list is a mental one or a physical piece of paper, we have expectations. Some of these expectations are positive and often pretty obvious: we expect honesty, we expect loyalty. They might not even make "the list" because they're just a given. But then there are other expectations.

The trouble is, by asking people to measure up to our lists of qualities and qualifications, we miss out on amazing opportunities, on getting to know amazing people.




Zeke asked me to the prom when we were in high school.


I said no.


Because he didn't match my list.


Thank God for second chances.

Does "The One" Exist?

Destiny and star-crossed lovers and finding your soul mate. It all sounds so romantic and magical, right?

But is it real?

Is there really such a thing as "The One?" 

Often, when someone says that they're looking for "The One," or their "soul mate," what they're really saying is that they're looking for the perfect person. The one who "completes" them. The ideal man, the perfect woman. 

And I'm here to tell you- No. That doesn't exist. 

The trouble with seeking "The One" is that our expectations are often drastically different than what God places in our lives. No one is perfect. 

I also believe that had my life taken me in a different direction and I'd never met Zeke, I would probably be married now. To someone else. 

There's no one else in the world who is exactly the same as Zeke, but I'm sure there are other people out there whose personalities would compliment mine, whose values are similar, who I could have married. 

But I fell in love with and married Zeke. 

I firmly believe that when you get married, that person becomes "The One." 

Are they perfect? No. 

Do they "complete you?" No. 

But you have chosen to make that person "The One," your soulmate, forever and for always. That's what marriage is. 

When we put too much emphasis on finding our "soulmate," we run some pretty serious risks. 

The first is that we may miss out on a great relationship because of our own misguided expectations-- a good marriage doesn't consist of finding someone who fits all of our criteria.

The idea of "The One" also allows us to make excuses- if finding a soulmate is the ultimate goal, we can easily disregard marriage vows in search of that person. If our marriage becomes difficult or requires more work that we wanted, we can just chalk it up to the fact that he's not "The One." We thought he was, but he isn't, and can you really expect me to stay married to someone who just isn't my soulmate?! 

Yes. Because you decided who "The One" is in your life. 

You don't get married because you're soulmates, you become soulmates when you get married. 

It's a total shift from what our culture so often tells us. 

And it also puts a little less pressure on dating than we're used to. You're not out to find the one guy out of billions. You're just out to find one guy. 

It's not as romantic, is it? Not as dramatic, not as flashy. 

But marriage isn't flashy and dramatic. It's work and sacrifice. If your dating life is filled with drama, won't you be disappointed after being married a year, five years, or thirty years?

Drama only goes so deep. A lasting, loving, meaningful connection with another person- that's what you're looking towards.

And trust me, the drama isn't that great. You won't miss it.


So, in short, no, I don't think that "The One" is out there waiting for you. But I do think that you will find one who is right for you, even if he's different that what you expected.

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This post is part of a series on dating and singleness for the young Christian.  To check out other posts in the series, click on the link above. 

Guarded Heart

There are so many different views on dating. Even within the sub-culture of Christianity, the "right" way of dating (or not dating at all) is debated.

Some say that dating is a good thing and and should be utilized as much as possible. Some say that dating should be restricted to serious, marriage-only prospects right from the beginning. Some "Kiss Dating Goodbye," some join Christian Mingle.

There are lots of extremes in the realm of Christian dating.

How do we decide the best way to go about dating and eventually finding a spouse?


Well, I'm not going to endorse either side of the spectrum, really. (You're thinking, "Oh, so not helpful." But stick with me, here.)

Ultimately, the commonality between the two extremes- dating a lot and dating only for marriage- is that in both scenarios, the key to Christian dating is to guard your heart.


If you're dating a lot and meeting lots of guys, casually and easily, you won't get too attached to a guy who isn't right for you.

If you only date a guy who is a very serious prospect in marriage, you won't get too attached to a guy who isn't right for you.

See how that works?

The "guard your heart" thing has been used in some great ways, and also in some not-so-great ways. Here's what I think...

The Wrong Ways to Guard Your Heart

Rushing in Headlong: or, you know, not guarding your heart at all. The trouble with rushing in headlong to a relationships... well, there are a lot of troubles.

If you get emotionally entangled early in a relationship, it can lead to self-image issues (like changing yourself to fit that other person), sex before marriage (because emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are so closely tied), not leaving an unhealthy relationship or a relationship that just doesn't fit, and if the relationship ends, you will be hurt more severely.


Hibernating or Hiding: "Guarding your heart" doesn't mean that you avoid all contact with the other sex. It doesn't mean that a conversation with the cute guy you meet in the bookstore is out of the question. You will make yourself vulnerable in some way, yes, because a vulnerable heart is a soft heart. There's a difference between avoidance or shutting someone out, and guarding your heart.

 


Holding onto the Reins: So many of us have high expectations for a relationship. Super, super high. We can get into the reasons behind this- from blaming Disney or romance novels or what have you- but the important part is that when we try to completely control how our lives are going to go, we're putting trust in our own abilities and ideas instead of in God's plan. Hand the reins over to Him. Pray about your future, and then trust that He'll show you the way to go.


The Right Ways to Guard Your Heart

Cultivate Friendships First: Find some friends who happen to be the opposite gender. Maybe you have something in common with a guy in your class or club. Spend time with friends in groups- some of my wonderful guy friends were dating (and some even married) gal pals of mine. Focusing on friendships first makes it easier to get to know different people, guys and girls, and also keeps the pressure off.

Set Clear Boundaries: One of the strongest things that came from my time figuring out who I am was a clearly defined set of boundaries. Sounds exciting, right? Well, I thought about the mistakes I made in all of my former relationships, as well as the things that I would absolutely not tolerate in a dating relationship. I had three dating boundaries.  

1) Honesty always. I wasn't honest with the guys I dated (the whole "turning into something else" thing didn't help with that), and they weren't always very honest with me. And that led to a host of problems, so this boundary was born.

2) Do not say "I love you" unless you're going to marry me. In all three of my former relationships, those three important words were said. Because it seemed like what you do after six months of dating. Did I love them? No. Did they love me? No. Love is more than fuzzy feelings and holding hands. Love is a sacrificial and lasting thing. And I should not have said that I loved someone that I didn't. It caused more hurt, to me and to them, and that wasn't healthy.

3) I won't have sex before marriage, so don't ask and don't pressure. Pretty self-explanatory. I didn't want to be pressured at all, and I wanted to be clear that any pressure and I was gone. Pressure to have sex was something I'd experienced in other relationships, and it wasn't okay. It was a red flag that a relationship wasn't a healthy one.

Your boundaries might look different, and that's okay. The important thing is to think about it, to determine what's a no-go with you, and then make sure that you go over those boundaries before you decide to start a dating relationship. Zeke knew, from the very beginning, what I expected of him in our dating relationship- and I do think that fact made a huge difference.

Focus on Faith: Most importantly, the focus of your life at this time should be on God. Wrap up your heart in Him- He's the safest place to be. That sounds really vague and kind of "Well, how can I do that?" but it's really different for everyone. Start with the basics. Work on those spiritual disciplines, try to live out your calling, spend time in prayer. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing- He made you, after all.

This post is part of a series on Christian Singleness and Dating. For other posts in the series, click the link below:

Tightrope: Balancing and Growing While You're Waiting

 {A Series on Christian Singleness and Dating}

New Experiences and Being Yourself

 

Before I met Zeke, I had never in my life been on a motorcycle.

Now I typically put on an average of five hundred miles a summer on the back of a Honda Shadow.

We already talked about how I changed myself to be the girl that my boyfriend-of-the-moment wanted me to be, and how I lost my true self in the process. So how is the motorcycle thing different?

Being true to yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you shirk all new experiences. Where's the fun in that? We need new and different experiences to keep us growing and learning and really enjoying life.

How do you find the balance between having a new adventure and still being yourself?

The trick is honesty. Honesty with yourself.

There's no harm in trying something new (well, something that's new and legal and moral and relatively safe, anyway), the issue comes in when we try to believe that we feel something we don't.

Take the motorcycle, for example. Zeke invited me to go for a ride way back when, and I tried it (legal, moral, relatively safe), and I liked it. I actually liked it. I was surprised, too.

Cut to Zeke and I, about two years later, when I tried out a dirtbike for the first time.

I.Hated.It.

I told Zeke that I'd rather not go on one of those crazy things again.

I just didn't like it. And unlike several years before, I was able to honestly evaluate my feelings and express them. I was honest with myself, and with Zeke, too. I think he'd probably prefer it if I really enjoyed dirt bikes (because he does, and he'd like to be able to do that together), but I don't. And that's okay.

It's okay to be who I am. That's freedom, right there. I can choose the adventures I'd like to have, and no matter what I feel about the experience, it's okay.

Comparison and Contentment

If we're being honest with ourselves, part of our problem, especially when it comes to appearance and the way we look, is the issue of comparison.

I touched on it quickly last week, but man. Comparison stretches over so much of our lives- from hair to houses, from jobs to jam-making... there's always someone who is doing something, being something, living something that you'd like to.

We point to things that rob us of joy- the mom who threw the elaborate party for her five-year-old, the couple with the impeccably perfect wedding pictures, Pinterest- and we blame them for the discontent in our lives.

"If it weren't for Pinterest..." we say.

If it weren't for Pinterest, what? We'd still find ways to measure ourselves against the people around us. It's what we do.

Of course, just like so many conflicts, the trouble with comparison is that it lies in our own hearts.



I'll be honest with you- back when I was a single gal, I compared myself to the women in relationships. How come she found someone, and I didn't, yet? What was so wrong with me? My dress size, my nose, my personality?

Of course, that led to a host of problems, including trying to be someone I'm not.

A little further down the road, I was dating a guy. A healthy, good relationship. Like I wanted. But instead of being filled with joy, instead of being content, I looked at the engaged couples. Tried to measure up to the girl who had that fabulous title- "fiancee."

When I was engaged? I compared myself to the married women. And now that I'm married? I'm fighting the battle against comparison to those who are blessed as mothers.

Where I am is never enough.

I think part of that can be good- it helps drive us forward, helps us keep moving, improving. Progressing.

But it also makes me feel as though my life isn't enough just the way it is.

As Ann Voskamp points out in her One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,

Nothing. That means that instead of looking forward three years, we focus on this moment. On the joys now. The blessings now.

It doesn't do us any good to compare ourselves with other people. They're not living our lives. And most of the time, we only see the highlight reel, anyways*.

When we're focused on the blessings in our own lives, when we respond to life with an attitude of thanksgiving, we find joy in where we are. Right now. In the life we're living now. In who we are now.


I went to a seminar recently, and Jennifer Dukes Lee was the speaker.

One thing she said really stuck out to me-

 "God is saying to you, 'I didn't ask you to be her. I asked you to be you.'"

How true!

I think I need to remind myself, continually, of this fact. Because sometimes, I look at myself and think, "But.... are you sure, God? You really want me to be me?" 

And more so, I need to remind myself that this is true about my relationships, too-

God says, "I didn't ask you to have a life like hers. Your path is different, and that's okay."

God's plan is the right plan, and He knows what He's doing.


It's not my job to plan exactly how my future is supposed to go (although that's hard for me to step away from!).

My role is to trust, to find contentment and joy, and to believe that God's plan is best for me.

Even if it looks different from her plan.

*That couple who posted pictures of their perfect weekend with the perfect lighting and the holding hands? Maybe they had an argument right before. Maybe they haven't seen each other in months. You don't know. Because they're not you.

If you'd like to see more posts in this series, I'd invite you to go ahead and follow me on Facebook, or stay tuned- I'm working on putting all the posts in this series together so they're easier to find. Thanks!

Appearance and Beauty: You're Beautiful on the Outside

All right, so a couple of days ago, we started talking about appearance.

Cliff Notes: The way you look isn't the most important thing, but it does matter. The way you look can really affect how you feel about yourself, and that makes a big difference in your behavior, your attitude, and what you put up with. Being attractive, however, doesn't mean being perfect.

Now, back to the girl I was telling you about. The one who thinks she's not pretty/beautiful/cute/attractive/"hot" enough to be loved in a dating relationship. Maybe you know someone like her. Maybe you are her. Maybe you're dating or married and secretly still feel that way.

Honey.

First of all, who told you that you're not beautiful? If it was your friends, the people you spend the most time with, well, maybe you shouldn't be spending time with them. A beauty tip here and there is one thing, but you should spend time with people who fill you up with truth, not people who drag you into self-doubt.

Maybe it was someone closer to you- a parent, a sibling, maybe even a spouse. Hear me- those words they spoke to you were lies. You're incredibly loved, were incredibly created, and are beautiful for who you are.

You've probably heard something like that, followed by the words, "on the inside." And yes, hopefully you truly believe that you're beautiful on the inside, because you are.

But you're also so beautiful on the outside.


Let's start believing that, too.


You Were Marvelously Created

"Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."- Genesis 1:26-27

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." - Psalm 139:13-16

First of all, we need to remember this extremely important point. God made us in His image. In the very image of the most high God, the very definition of Beauty, we were created. We were formed by a God who loves us incredibly.

Hating my short toe (yes, I have a short toe) is the same as hating God's creation. Of looking at this gift of a body that He gave me and saying, "Well, I like some of it... but..."

It's a hard thing continually see ourselves through God's eyes- on my bad body-image days, I re-read these verses and try to rest in them.

Pinpoint the Issue(s)

Honestly, we all have parts of us that we're not thrilled about. Some of those "issues" will stick with us for life, and sometimes the things we don't like will change.

Seven years ago, my height was the biggest issue for me. I never really even thought about my belly (cuz I didn't have one) or my skin (which was great at the time). Now, I couldn't care less about my height, besides the fact that putting 30 extra pounds on five feet looks like a whole lot, and oh my goodness hormones and my face! Ugh!

What do you see as an "issue" with your body?


Generous love handles and break outs, while they're the "issues" right now, don't take away from the good. And on that note:

Emphasize the Good

There is something you like about your body. There is.

I like my eyes, and my ankles. (Random?)

The key is to emphasize the things I do like (we're talking more "eyes" than "ankles," here), which will detract from the things I don't like (my awesome adult acne.)

I would really suggest this book- Bobbi Brown Teenage Beauty.  
(Full disclosure, this guy is an affiliate link. But at one cent per book? Just buy it.)

I know, it says "Teenage." But trust me, here. My mom bought me this book when I was in late high school, and I still read through it on occasion. If ya haven't heard of her, Bobbi Brown is a make up artist, and a darned inspiring one at that. I love this book for the "how to emphasize the good" tips- and since I don't like wearing a ton of makeup, the tips are good ones.


Discover What Makes You Feel Beautiful

We all do something or wear something that makes us feel beautiful.

Maybe it's a certain outfit, or playing a certain song on the piano. Maybe it's taking a long bubble
bath, or wearing fuzzy socks. Maybe you feel most beautiful when your toenails are painted, when you're taking pictures of sunsets, when you sing "Be Thou My Vision" at the top of your lungs while folding laundry. Whatever.

Just figure out what it is, and make time for doing it. Finding little moments of beauty in ordinary days helps to fill up your soul.


Take Care of Yourself

Sleep enough, drink enough water, eat good-for-you food, wash your face before bed, move around enough. The way your body feels can really make a difference in how you feel about your body, and taking good care of yourself may even help with some of those issues we talked about earlier (hello, extra 30 lbs). Some things may not really change, but your perspective will.


Avoid Comparison

This one's a doozy.

It's easy to compare my body with that model. Or heck, even with my friend Meri who is tall and lanky and built for running long distances. Short squat me ain't got nothin' on her.

But that girl whose curly hair you're envying? She's probably wishing it was straight like yours.

Because that's how we are. We often envy what we don't have, no matter what we do have. Human nature and all. It's hard, but try not to compare yourself to other people. (I'm talking beauty here, but we'll get into this topic more later on--- Update: More about Comparison in this post here). You are you. No one else can be you- and you can't be anyone else.

<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>

Appearance Matters: Singleness and Beauty

We've been talking a little about getting to know yourself, and why that's important in (and before!) a dating relationship.

When I started this series, I debated whether or not I should cover this topic... since it's been "done" before, and because I think there are lots of great voices out there speaking truth into this issue.

But then I thought of one girl in particular. She's a Facebook friend of mine, as well as a "in real life" friend. So many of her posts are about the fact that she doesn't think she'll ever find a boyfriend. It's not because her standards are impossibly high or she's locked in a high tower somewhere. It's because she thinks she's ugly, unattractive, even that her looks repel guys.

That just hurts my heart. She's a lovely girl, inside and out, and I hate to see her hurt about something like that.

Honestly, though, appearance does matter.

Men are wired to be visual. Looks matter to them. And they matter to us, too! Even though women may not be quite as visually driven, we still have "hunky standards" when it comes to finding a guy. And, of course, we see ourselves. We see ourselves and compare what we see in the mirror with the women all around us. Add that to the fact that we live in a culture that prizes beauty above just about everything else, and it's no wonder that so many women are living in a place of hurt about physical attractiveness.

What does God say about it?

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.- 1 Peter 3:3-4

First and foremost, our beauty should come from a place that won't fade- that doesn't ever "need" Botox or mascara or to just lose a couple pounds.

It's the inside that matters most. And we talked a little about working on who you are inside in some posts earlier in the series:

Identity in Christ

and 

Growing in Faith with Spiritual Disciplines

Even though our beauty should first come from the inside, the Bible is also pretty clear that in a relationship, being attracted to the other person is important. Just check out the steamy book of the Song of Solomon. 

Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes
    that have come up from the washing,
all of which bear twins,
    and not one among them has lost its young.
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
    and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
    behind your veil.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
    built in rows of stone;
on it hang a thousand shields,
    all of them shields of warriors.
 Your two breasts are like two fawns,
    twins of a gazelle,    that graze among the lilies.- Song of Solomon 4:2-5

Whew.

(Although I don't know that I'd be happy about being told my teeth are like sheep, but whatever.)

We've often been told that it's only the inside that matters and that physical attractiveness shouldn't play any part in our thoughts or relationships or what we think about ourselves. But it does play a part. Appearance matters.* (And beauty points us to God. But that's a different post all together.)

Here's the thing, though.

I have flaws, obviously. Everyone does. Even the girl on the cover of the magazine has flaws (which may or may not have been Photoshopped out... but that's another issue).

My husband has flaws. He doesn't look like an underwear model, he doesn't have a chiseled jaw line. But my goodness, he's so (sooooooo) attractive to me. I am definitely attracted to him (him and his cute butt. Don't tell him I said that). And his imperfections? I see beauty in those, too- beauty that comes because those little flaws are part of who he is.

Being attractive doesn't mean being perfect. 

My husband loves me and is attracted to me, even though I have 20 extra pounds in those love handles, my nose is a little big, I have short legs, and my skin hasn't been great lately.

Because being attractive doesn't mean being perfect. 


Your appearance does matter- it matters because it affects how you feel about yourself, how you present yourself to the world, and if you're called to marriage, your appearance will matter to your future husband.


But we need to get past the idea that "perfection" in terms of appearance is a real thing. It's not. What's attractive to me may not be attractive to you; what is "pretty" to one guy isn't always "pretty" to another. We can't define ourselves by a standard that doesn't exist.


We'll talk a little more about this, okay? (This post is getting really long).

Update: Here's another post about this same topic- 

Appearance and Beauty: You're Beautiful on the Outside

If you'd like to see more posts in this series, I'd invite you to go ahead and follow me on Facebook, or stay tuned- I'm working on putting all the posts in this series together so they're easier to find. Thanks!

* I think that very often, when we tell girls, or tell ourselves, that the way we look on the outside doesn't matter at all, we're sending the wrong message. I know that I've felt emotions that are tied to my appearance before- I think we all have. Being happy because I think I look good today, being cranky with a new zit... it's something we do!

But when I'm told that the way I look doesn't matter at all, it leads me to feel somewhat guilty that my emotions can be tied, even in a small way, to my appearance. I feel like I'm shallow if I'm happy about a new skirt that makes me feel pretty, and I don't think that's the way it should be.

Of course, my self-worth isn't built on what I'm wearing or my nose or the size pants I wear... but denying that outward appearance matters at all is the other end of the extreme. I choose to fall in the middle.

Personality and Knowing Yourself

Back when I was trying to get to know myself better, I took a whole bunch of personality tests to try to pinpoint my "true" personality.

That's when I found the Myers Briggs test.

Out of all of the personality tests I took, this one stuck with me. The Myers Briggs test uses four letters to describe each personality- and knowing those letters really helped me to get to know myself, and to understand myself better.

I'll give you an example.

I'm an ESFJ.

E- I tend to be more extroverted than introverted. I get energy from being around people- which explains why I'm all pumped up after a presentation or meeting. It also means that I like to have lots of activities going on, and that can cause problems when I jump from project to project. I do that a lot.

S- I take in information best when I can experience it, and I sometimes have trouble seeing the big picture. I'm not great with abstract ideas.

F- I make decisions more by emotion than by logic. That means I'm good at people-pleasing and very tactful, but I can be too compassionate and sensitive sometimes. 

J- When it comes to structure in my life, I like things to be decided and structured. I'm pretty task-oriented, I like lists, and I meet deadlines well. I see the world in black and white, and I have trouble seeing gray areas. 

I had a roommate who was an ENFP. She also got energy from being with people, so that was a good match. She really enjoyed debate- probably because she was more perceiving than judging in the way she approached the world. She was curious about a lot of things, and saw gray area in everything.

We'd have long discussions about different aspects of social issues, and I really disliked those discussions. I just wanted a black and white answer without hurting anyone's feelings, and she wanted to explore every option. We didn't get along during debates because I'm a J and she's a P.

Of course, I didn't know about Myers Briggs at the time, and so I thought I was just terrible at debates and way too sensitive, when instead, it was more about personality types. She was outspoken and always loved a challenge- I was more interested in keeping harmony.



I would recommend that you go check it out- I've found this to be a very helpful tool in learning more about myself and how I relate to those around me.

How I Found Myself Again

After many years of relationships and trying to shape and change myself so I could fit whoever it was I was dating, I realized that I didn't really know myself anymore.

I didn't know what kind of music I really liked, I didn't know my favorite hobbies, I didn't know what my clothing style was... I had changed so many things about myself because I was trying to build my identity off of my boyfriends.

(A note- and we'll talk about this later: Being challenged and experiencing new things aren't inherently bad. Not at all. But I wasn't honest with myself about my true opinions and feelings, and those lies became who I was. But yeah, we'll talk about that later.)


During my freshman year of college, I decided that before I could date again, before I could get to know someone new, I had to get to know myself. But where do you start with that?

Well, here's what I did. I realize that some of this sounds really cheesy and stupid, but it worked for me. I had to start from scratch, with little things, to build my confidence in my self-knowledge and self-esteem. I put all my discoveries on a PowerPoint presentation, because, as I would learn, I'm a big ole' nerd.

Stuff You'd Put on a Questionnaire
I started with the things you'd learn about someone if you were meeting them at a conference, or as an ice breaker game. Like I said, I had to start very small, very basic.

Favorite Color, Favorite Food, Favorite Season, Favorite Beverage, Favorite Number...- I went online to a paint company website and went through paint chips to find my actual favorite color. I tried out lots and lots of different foods- some I'd never had before. I made pro and con lists about seasons. You get the idea.

Favorite Kind of Music- This one was so hard. Two of my previous boyfriends had been very "into" music, and their favorites had become mine. I listened to tons of music in lots of different genres and then considered what it was that I liked about certain songs. And I realized that I actually hated several songs that I thought were my "favorites."

My Actual Personality Type
We'll talk about this one more in depth later on, but I took several personality tests to help me get to know myself better. It was very helpful.

Quirks
We've all got 'em. I just didn't realize that I had some, too. When my roommates or friends would point out a funny thing that I do (like taking a sip from a friend's cup without asking- didn't know I did that), I'd write it down.

Harder Stuff
After I got some of the basics out of the way, I dug deeper. I thought about things I didn't like about myself, my values (like honesty and patience and hard work), what makes me excited, what scares me. I wrote goals for myself- honest, thoughtful goals- for the first time. I took stock of my faith walk, and started to incorporate spiritual disciplines into my life. I also did a lot of thinking about those past relationships- about what went wrong, about my contributions to issues, about what I really wanted in a relationship and what kind of guy would be right for me.

I realized some of the big (big, big) problems in those relationships, and committed myself to making sure those issues didn't come into my relationships again.     



In the end, I learned a lot about myself. Some of it was pretty silly (my favorite color is periwinkle, I'm afraid of ladders, and I don't like scary movies), and some of it was really helpful in showing me why I am who I am, and what that means for my life.

Most of all, though, after that year of self-discovery, I felt like I had a solid foundation. I knew who I was, and could build from there. I was able to change in a healthy way, and instead of changing my identity to fit a guy, I could decide how I wanted to grow, and in what ways.

You can't expect to be in a healthy relationship if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. When I lied about who I was, I was also poisoning my friendships and my dating relationships, because they'd never get to know me. I had to know myself, first and foremost, before I could truly get to know anyone else.

The Ever-Changing Adrie, Or How I Learned to Be Everyone But Me.

Looking back through my old iPod is like a map through all my past dating relationships.

Top 20 hits and country music from the year I turned 16, Jet and White Stripes, Coheed & Cambria and The Silversun Pickups... or, Bryan, Jon, Mike.

The music I listened to changed, quite a bit, depending on the guy I was dating at the time. As did my shoes, as did my hairstyle, as did my habits and interests and hobbies. Because my identity changed depending on the guy I was dating at the time. (Which is one reason our identities should be firmly rooted in Christ).

Bryan was my first boyfriend. He was well-liked in school but not too popular- got good grades, and ran cross country. Bryan was a nice guy, but our interests just didn't fit. Instead of cutting my losses and moving on (like I should have), I tried to mold myself into someone just like him. He was so athletic, and I desperately tried to fit in with his cross-country running friends.

I was pretty laughably bad, despite my attempts, but I had convinced myself that I needed to change who I was. I spent all my time with him, trying to be just like him, and started to identify myself with his interests, his passions. Of course, asking a 16-year-old boy to define my identity was way too much for him, and our little relationship crashed and burned pretty quickly.

After Bryan came Jon. Jon had moved to the area from Ghana, and went to a different school nearby. He was pretty much the exact opposite of Bryan. Jon was interested in music and art, wasn't athletic in the least, and where Bryan was light skinned and blonde (like everyone else in town), Jon was dark skinned and exotic. He also had a huge heart for God and God's will in his life, and I really admired that about him.

Even though my interests clashed less with his, he still didn't fit. So once again, I tried to figure out how to be just like him. I tried to learn guitar, wrote some songs, posed for artsy pictures. I molded myself into what I thought he wanted. I was getting good at that. We didn't break up until I moved away, and I'm pretty sure that he wrote a melodramatic song about it.

Next was Mike. Mike was rather similar to Bryan, except for the "from Africa" thing. He liked music, concerts, playing guitar, questioning authority in a safe sort of way, and watching the Sci-Fi channel with his friends so they could mock the bad acting. Mike was the only child of a pretty successful business woman, and had a lot of his future mapped out for him. He had a lot of security, and I sort of envied that.

He was not a believer, and made that pretty clear, but I had convinced myself that I could stick with my faith and be a good example to him. Besides, he was so fun. He took me to concerts and introduced me to bands, and he had a group of friends (which was important to me, since I'd just started at a new school). I dated him for about a year, convincing myself that I liked the same bands he did, that I liked his friends, that I could see myself with him in the long run.

By this point, I was so convincing, so good at being the person I thought my boyfriend wanted me to be, that I had even fooled myself.

I went to college about two hours away from Mike, and by some miracle of friendship, independence, and plenty of chapel services, I started re-claiming myself. So much so, that when Mike came to visit one time and tried to convince me that we shouldn't be "exclusive," I realized that I didn't really know this guy at all and I stood up for myself enough to break up with him.




Here's the thing. None of these guys asked me to change for them. None of them tried to force me to like the things they liked or to do the things they wanted to do. I did that. I thought that if I could be just right for them, that maybe they'd really truly like me. I thought that I wasn't enough- I had to be something or someone else.

I think part of that stems from the fact that I didn't know who I was to begin with. Then, after I dated someone and tried to shove myself into a mold, I was even more confused, and much more vulnerable to trying to "re-invent" who I really was.

After Mike, I realized what I'd been doing to myself.

My identity was smooshed, cut up, filed down, and I didn't really resemble anything I recognized anymore.

I didn't know myself. So I made a commitment that I wouldn't date anyone or be romantically involved with anyone for a full year, and I'd take that time to figure out who I really was, who I really am.

(To read more about it, click here...)

Spiritual Disciplines: Prioritizing Prayer

The third spiritual discipline that I'd like to recommend that you work on is prayer. Spend time in prayer, prioritize prayer, make prayer a habit.

The Bible talks about prayer often- about praying without ceasing, about taking our anxieties to God in prayer.

For me, it's easy to say that prayer is a big part of my daily life, but besides offering up a quick, "Thanks God," or a "I can't find my keys, God. Help!" I sometimes really struggle with having a daily prayer life.

The trouble is, a solid prayer life is a balance. 

Having a structured time for prayer, building it into a schedule, making prayer a priority- that's important.

Think of planned prayer time like a planned call to a friend. I do this with my friend Meri. We talk weekly, usually on Thursdays (although that's changing to Mondays... but you get the idea, so moving on). I know that I will take some time out to connect with her- to catch up, to tell her what's going on and how I'm doing and where I'm struggling. We take the time and go into deep stuff.

On the other hand, if we only pray during planned, structured times, we limit our openness to Him. We put Him in a box, or in a prayer corner, or on that one couch at 6:40 am every morning. He's with us, all the time. He's there to talk, all the time.

When I stub my toe and say, "Lord. That hurt! Take that pain away, please," or when my friend announces a pregnancy and I feel that pain in my heart... I can call out to Him. Ask Him for help, for perspective.


It's a balance.


Personally, I tend to be better at the "in every moment" prayer, rather than the "planned and purposeful" prayer.

That's why having a guide is so helpful to me.




I really like the book The Power of a Praying Woman (I got hooked after reading The Power of a Praying Wife)

I've also been blessed by praying the Bible:


The Power of Praying Through the Bible -- I know, another "Power Of..." but I really like 'em!

The One Year Book of Praying through the Bible- this one goes through one year, using Scripture and prayer together to make a great quiet time resource.



How do you stay focused in your prayer life? Do you use guides at all? 

More posts on Spiritual Disciplines: 

 Growing in Faith with Spiritual Disciplines

Spiritual Discipline: Study the Word

Spiritual Discipline: Memorize Scripture

Spiritual Discipline: Memorize Scripture

"Adrie," you're saying to your screen, "we already talked about the Bible last week. Go drink some more coffee and GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!"

To that I say, I can't hear you through the screen and yes, I think I will go have some more coffee.

We talked last week a bit about the discipline of studying and spending time in God's Word, because growing in faith is an important part of spiritual maturity that you can work on right now- married or single.

But we can't just stop at studying. While studying and applying Scripture to our lives is important, we need to follow Jesus' example and go one step further.

"My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you. Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart."- Proverbs 7:1-3

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you."- Psalm 119:9-11

I believe that reading the Bible does help us to store up God's word in our hearts to some extent, but memorizing Scripture takes this to a whole new level.

But memorizing Scripture takes work. 

There are a ton of resources online to help with this (see here for some resources), but I've found that the "old school way" works best for me.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Write the verse down again and again and again.

Make flashcards.

Say your memory verse every time you eat.

Put your verse on post-it's and stick them around your house. Say it out loud whenever you see the post-it.

Review older memory verses on a weekly basis.

Put your verse to a tune.

Assign verses to beads of a bracelet - I do this and I really like it. I have one verse for all the metal beads, one verse for all the sparkle beads, one for the glass beads... and then when I get a spare moment (waiting for a website to load, in line at the grocery store), I start going through my bracelet.

Why It Matters
It takes work, patience, and practice, to be sure- but memorizing Scripture is a very valuable tool. Haven't you ever wished you could remember that great verse to speak life into a friend? I know I have.

Memorizing Scripture is also one way to help drown out the lies in our lives.

You know, the "You're not enough" lie? Try fighting that one with Philippians 4:13. Or when you're disappointed with the way you look? 1 Peter 3:4.

Find the places that you're having struggles, find a verse or passage that speaks God's truth into that sore spot, and memorize it.

A quick note- I think it's very important to recognize the context of the verse you're learning. It's so easy to take Scripture completely out of context, or to miss an important piece of truth, and that's one reason that whole Scripture memorization can be so powerful. (Also see another post about that here.) Personally, I'm not there yet- I'm working my way up from just a few verses at a time. Typically, the verses I memorize are verses that I'm studying as well- so I'm sure to know the context. And I think it's okay to start small- I tend to overwhelm myself with super-great ideas and then I just can't make it a habit because it's too much. You know?

Just do it. Start where you feel comfortable, and if it's too much, back off a little. It's about growing, and even growing takes practice.

Take some time to inscribe God's word on your heart.


 It really makes a difference.


How do you memorize Scripture? Do you have a favorite technique or trick?