Instead of giving things up or fasting on Friday like I usually do, I decided just to be instead of focusing on all the things I could do.
I figured that Lent this year would be a nice break. No changing, no growing, no transforming...
But God had other plans, apparently. Big huge other plans.
I really feel like He decided to use this Lent to strip me down. To direct my heart to safe places. To change my attitudes and my habits.
It's been a tough couple of months for me.
But in some ways, since Lent began, I feel like an entirely different person- and isn't that such a part of the message behind Lent? The transformation, the cleaning up of our hearts and souls?
It kind of started when I realized that despite outward appearances, I wasn't trusting in God's incredible power. Not really. I was trusting in just about everything else, though. In my chart, in not drinking too much caffeine, in taking my vitamins... don't get me wrong, none of those things are bad. The problem is that by doing all these things, I thought that I was somehow in control.
That couldn't be farther from the truth.
So I stopped. I stopped charting. I stopped worrying so much about what I'm eating or drinking. I also made the decision to stop checking Facebook. I realized that I was logging in to Facebook at work when I needed a short break, and it had become a habit. I needed to refocus.
I'm still in the process of doing just that.
Of trusting God instead of trying to control my body.
Of making Him a priority.
Of spending time in the Bible.
I also ran into a couple of situations at work and at home that made me go, "Whoa. My heart is so far from where it should be right now."
God showed me that my attitude is out of whack in a lot of ways, and I started working through that.
I realized that I've been spending my time constantly looking at the horizon towards someday, but I've been neglecting the now. I've been trying to control things that I really have no say in, while simultaneously overlooking all the things that I can do to improve my attitude, my stress level, and my home.
I took a hard look at some of my daily routines and started to find joy in small habits and tasks. I'm working within my vocation as a wife and as keeper of my home, rather than fighting against it, and my home life and work life have been so much more balanced as a result.
God has directed my heart to some safe places this Lent. I've been able to accept some grace, for once, and peace came right along with it. And I've had the help of some wonderful friends, co-workers, pastors, and bloggers (bloggers bloggers bloggers!) pouring truth and light into my life. Community is a wonderful thing- online or in person.
This Lent has been a major time of growth for me, even though I didn't really intend it to be that way. God and His mysterious ways, huh? Good thing He knows what's best for me, even when I don't realize it.
Also, on a totally unrelated note, my computer (which is actually Zeke's computer, but potatoes) has suddenly and completely crashed (not my fault, I tell you! The fact that mine crashed a year ago is simple coincidence!) so I may be a little out of the loop until we fix this one or find a new one.
Have a lovely Easter!