Does "The One" Exist?

Destiny and star-crossed lovers and finding your soul mate. It all sounds so romantic and magical, right?

But is it real?

Is there really such a thing as "The One?" 

Often, when someone says that they're looking for "The One," or their "soul mate," what they're really saying is that they're looking for the perfect person. The one who "completes" them. The ideal man, the perfect woman. 

And I'm here to tell you- No. That doesn't exist. 

The trouble with seeking "The One" is that our expectations are often drastically different than what God places in our lives. No one is perfect. 

I also believe that had my life taken me in a different direction and I'd never met Zeke, I would probably be married now. To someone else. 

There's no one else in the world who is exactly the same as Zeke, but I'm sure there are other people out there whose personalities would compliment mine, whose values are similar, who I could have married. 

But I fell in love with and married Zeke. 

I firmly believe that when you get married, that person becomes "The One." 

Are they perfect? No. 

Do they "complete you?" No. 

But you have chosen to make that person "The One," your soulmate, forever and for always. That's what marriage is. 

When we put too much emphasis on finding our "soulmate," we run some pretty serious risks. 

The first is that we may miss out on a great relationship because of our own misguided expectations-- a good marriage doesn't consist of finding someone who fits all of our criteria.

The idea of "The One" also allows us to make excuses- if finding a soulmate is the ultimate goal, we can easily disregard marriage vows in search of that person. If our marriage becomes difficult or requires more work that we wanted, we can just chalk it up to the fact that he's not "The One." We thought he was, but he isn't, and can you really expect me to stay married to someone who just isn't my soulmate?! 

Yes. Because you decided who "The One" is in your life. 

You don't get married because you're soulmates, you become soulmates when you get married. 

It's a total shift from what our culture so often tells us. 

And it also puts a little less pressure on dating than we're used to. You're not out to find the one guy out of billions. You're just out to find one guy. 

It's not as romantic, is it? Not as dramatic, not as flashy. 

But marriage isn't flashy and dramatic. It's work and sacrifice. If your dating life is filled with drama, won't you be disappointed after being married a year, five years, or thirty years?

Drama only goes so deep. A lasting, loving, meaningful connection with another person- that's what you're looking towards.

And trust me, the drama isn't that great. You won't miss it.


So, in short, no, I don't think that "The One" is out there waiting for you. But I do think that you will find one who is right for you, even if he's different that what you expected.

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This post is part of a series on dating and singleness for the young Christian.  To check out other posts in the series, click on the link above. 

Dear Friend Who Posted Bump Pictures on Facebook

Dear Friend,

You're expecting a little one, coming so soon. I'm sure that meeting that little baby simultaneously seems like a lifetime away for you, and like it's all happening so fast. I hope that you're really enjoying this pregnancy- I hope it hasn't left you feeling too tired or too yucky.

I asked a different friend, one who's also expecting, how she was feeling a couple of weeks ago, and she said, "I feel pregnant."

I smiled and listened to her complain just a bit, but it wasn't til I got home later that evening when the thought rolling around in my mind finally came to the surface.

I don't know what "feeling pregnant" means, really. I've never experienced it. What if I never know how that feels?

Today, you posted a smiling picture of yourself- two actually, to compare your baby bump now with the way you looked twelve weeks ago.

I took a moment to look at that picture, to notice the sparkle in your eyes and hand on your abdomen, right over the little one being knit together inside of you. What a miracle.

And if I'm being completely honest, yes. I felt a twinge of jealousy. The kind of jealousy that makes me feel like I've been knocked in the stomach after playing Red Rover on the playground. Because even though I'm working on finding the contentment in the moments now, even though I'm fighting hard to focus on my own path, I still think "When me, Lord?" in my confident moments, and "Ever me, Lord?" when I'm feeling less sure.

See, I don't know that I'll ever smile into a camera with my hand resting on a baby bump.

I know that God works incredible miracles every day, I know that I could live the next miracle. But I also know that God's ways aren't the same as my ways, and the miracle I'm waiting for may look much different than I expected.

Yes, there was pain in seeing that picture of you, friend- my heart aches just a little for the things that may never be in my life, for the plans that may never be, for the names that may never be spoken, for the family I may never have.

I hope you don't feel any guilt when I say that your announcement, that your celebration, hurt my heart a little. Pain is unavoidable, friend. It comes to us all. I know that you've lived your fair share of it, too, in ways that are different than mine, but you know those feelings of disappointment and loss as well as I do.

So please, post those pictures to Facebook. Show the world your joy at bringing new life into your family, your excitement.

My heart aches, right now, yes, but I'm aching because I know how immensely blessed you are. I'm sure you know that, too. Life is always good, always a gift.

And know that when I see those pictures, even though I hurt a little for myself and my circumstances right now, I treasure the fact that you've chosen to share a little bit of the little life inside of you with us. With me.


- Love, A Friend Still Waiting

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester. 

Guarded Heart

There are so many different views on dating. Even within the sub-culture of Christianity, the "right" way of dating (or not dating at all) is debated.

Some say that dating is a good thing and and should be utilized as much as possible. Some say that dating should be restricted to serious, marriage-only prospects right from the beginning. Some "Kiss Dating Goodbye," some join Christian Mingle.

There are lots of extremes in the realm of Christian dating.

How do we decide the best way to go about dating and eventually finding a spouse?


Well, I'm not going to endorse either side of the spectrum, really. (You're thinking, "Oh, so not helpful." But stick with me, here.)

Ultimately, the commonality between the two extremes- dating a lot and dating only for marriage- is that in both scenarios, the key to Christian dating is to guard your heart.


If you're dating a lot and meeting lots of guys, casually and easily, you won't get too attached to a guy who isn't right for you.

If you only date a guy who is a very serious prospect in marriage, you won't get too attached to a guy who isn't right for you.

See how that works?

The "guard your heart" thing has been used in some great ways, and also in some not-so-great ways. Here's what I think...

The Wrong Ways to Guard Your Heart

Rushing in Headlong: or, you know, not guarding your heart at all. The trouble with rushing in headlong to a relationships... well, there are a lot of troubles.

If you get emotionally entangled early in a relationship, it can lead to self-image issues (like changing yourself to fit that other person), sex before marriage (because emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are so closely tied), not leaving an unhealthy relationship or a relationship that just doesn't fit, and if the relationship ends, you will be hurt more severely.


Hibernating or Hiding: "Guarding your heart" doesn't mean that you avoid all contact with the other sex. It doesn't mean that a conversation with the cute guy you meet in the bookstore is out of the question. You will make yourself vulnerable in some way, yes, because a vulnerable heart is a soft heart. There's a difference between avoidance or shutting someone out, and guarding your heart.

 


Holding onto the Reins: So many of us have high expectations for a relationship. Super, super high. We can get into the reasons behind this- from blaming Disney or romance novels or what have you- but the important part is that when we try to completely control how our lives are going to go, we're putting trust in our own abilities and ideas instead of in God's plan. Hand the reins over to Him. Pray about your future, and then trust that He'll show you the way to go.


The Right Ways to Guard Your Heart

Cultivate Friendships First: Find some friends who happen to be the opposite gender. Maybe you have something in common with a guy in your class or club. Spend time with friends in groups- some of my wonderful guy friends were dating (and some even married) gal pals of mine. Focusing on friendships first makes it easier to get to know different people, guys and girls, and also keeps the pressure off.

Set Clear Boundaries: One of the strongest things that came from my time figuring out who I am was a clearly defined set of boundaries. Sounds exciting, right? Well, I thought about the mistakes I made in all of my former relationships, as well as the things that I would absolutely not tolerate in a dating relationship. I had three dating boundaries.  

1) Honesty always. I wasn't honest with the guys I dated (the whole "turning into something else" thing didn't help with that), and they weren't always very honest with me. And that led to a host of problems, so this boundary was born.

2) Do not say "I love you" unless you're going to marry me. In all three of my former relationships, those three important words were said. Because it seemed like what you do after six months of dating. Did I love them? No. Did they love me? No. Love is more than fuzzy feelings and holding hands. Love is a sacrificial and lasting thing. And I should not have said that I loved someone that I didn't. It caused more hurt, to me and to them, and that wasn't healthy.

3) I won't have sex before marriage, so don't ask and don't pressure. Pretty self-explanatory. I didn't want to be pressured at all, and I wanted to be clear that any pressure and I was gone. Pressure to have sex was something I'd experienced in other relationships, and it wasn't okay. It was a red flag that a relationship wasn't a healthy one.

Your boundaries might look different, and that's okay. The important thing is to think about it, to determine what's a no-go with you, and then make sure that you go over those boundaries before you decide to start a dating relationship. Zeke knew, from the very beginning, what I expected of him in our dating relationship- and I do think that fact made a huge difference.

Focus on Faith: Most importantly, the focus of your life at this time should be on God. Wrap up your heart in Him- He's the safest place to be. That sounds really vague and kind of "Well, how can I do that?" but it's really different for everyone. Start with the basics. Work on those spiritual disciplines, try to live out your calling, spend time in prayer. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing- He made you, after all.

This post is part of a series on Christian Singleness and Dating. For other posts in the series, click the link below:

Tightrope: Balancing and Growing While You're Waiting

 {A Series on Christian Singleness and Dating}

New Experiences and Being Yourself

 

Before I met Zeke, I had never in my life been on a motorcycle.

Now I typically put on an average of five hundred miles a summer on the back of a Honda Shadow.

We already talked about how I changed myself to be the girl that my boyfriend-of-the-moment wanted me to be, and how I lost my true self in the process. So how is the motorcycle thing different?

Being true to yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you shirk all new experiences. Where's the fun in that? We need new and different experiences to keep us growing and learning and really enjoying life.

How do you find the balance between having a new adventure and still being yourself?

The trick is honesty. Honesty with yourself.

There's no harm in trying something new (well, something that's new and legal and moral and relatively safe, anyway), the issue comes in when we try to believe that we feel something we don't.

Take the motorcycle, for example. Zeke invited me to go for a ride way back when, and I tried it (legal, moral, relatively safe), and I liked it. I actually liked it. I was surprised, too.

Cut to Zeke and I, about two years later, when I tried out a dirtbike for the first time.

I.Hated.It.

I told Zeke that I'd rather not go on one of those crazy things again.

I just didn't like it. And unlike several years before, I was able to honestly evaluate my feelings and express them. I was honest with myself, and with Zeke, too. I think he'd probably prefer it if I really enjoyed dirt bikes (because he does, and he'd like to be able to do that together), but I don't. And that's okay.

It's okay to be who I am. That's freedom, right there. I can choose the adventures I'd like to have, and no matter what I feel about the experience, it's okay.

My Entryway- A PHFR

This post brought to you by a mid-week slump! You're excited, I can tell. 

{Pretty}

There's just something so pretty about being greeted by a clean entryway first  thing in the morning. Ah. Feels like peace.

{Happy}

Zeke has this pair of moccasins that just make me so happy (more so when he's wearing them, but you catch my drift). He looks like a cute little boy in them... and he doesn't look like a little guy very often!

{Funny}

Hiding amidst the pile of Zeke-shoes are these...

 ... scuba flippers. I'm not really sure.

{Real}

Just in case the clean-entryway picture made you feel fits of jealousy, here's some reality to set you straight. 

When we moved in to Peace (our house), I put up this curtain that's entirely too long for the window. I told myself that I'd go ahead and actually cut and sew the curtain to fit someday... it's been almost two years and my quick fold-and-hand-stitch job is still holding on well.

Linking up today with Like Mother, Like Daughter!

Comparison and Contentment

If we're being honest with ourselves, part of our problem, especially when it comes to appearance and the way we look, is the issue of comparison.

I touched on it quickly last week, but man. Comparison stretches over so much of our lives- from hair to houses, from jobs to jam-making... there's always someone who is doing something, being something, living something that you'd like to.

We point to things that rob us of joy- the mom who threw the elaborate party for her five-year-old, the couple with the impeccably perfect wedding pictures, Pinterest- and we blame them for the discontent in our lives.

"If it weren't for Pinterest..." we say.

If it weren't for Pinterest, what? We'd still find ways to measure ourselves against the people around us. It's what we do.

Of course, just like so many conflicts, the trouble with comparison is that it lies in our own hearts.



I'll be honest with you- back when I was a single gal, I compared myself to the women in relationships. How come she found someone, and I didn't, yet? What was so wrong with me? My dress size, my nose, my personality?

Of course, that led to a host of problems, including trying to be someone I'm not.

A little further down the road, I was dating a guy. A healthy, good relationship. Like I wanted. But instead of being filled with joy, instead of being content, I looked at the engaged couples. Tried to measure up to the girl who had that fabulous title- "fiancee."

When I was engaged? I compared myself to the married women. And now that I'm married? I'm fighting the battle against comparison to those who are blessed as mothers.

Where I am is never enough.

I think part of that can be good- it helps drive us forward, helps us keep moving, improving. Progressing.

But it also makes me feel as though my life isn't enough just the way it is.

As Ann Voskamp points out in her One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,

Nothing. That means that instead of looking forward three years, we focus on this moment. On the joys now. The blessings now.

It doesn't do us any good to compare ourselves with other people. They're not living our lives. And most of the time, we only see the highlight reel, anyways*.

When we're focused on the blessings in our own lives, when we respond to life with an attitude of thanksgiving, we find joy in where we are. Right now. In the life we're living now. In who we are now.


I went to a seminar recently, and Jennifer Dukes Lee was the speaker.

One thing she said really stuck out to me-

 "God is saying to you, 'I didn't ask you to be her. I asked you to be you.'"

How true!

I think I need to remind myself, continually, of this fact. Because sometimes, I look at myself and think, "But.... are you sure, God? You really want me to be me?" 

And more so, I need to remind myself that this is true about my relationships, too-

God says, "I didn't ask you to have a life like hers. Your path is different, and that's okay."

God's plan is the right plan, and He knows what He's doing.


It's not my job to plan exactly how my future is supposed to go (although that's hard for me to step away from!).

My role is to trust, to find contentment and joy, and to believe that God's plan is best for me.

Even if it looks different from her plan.

*That couple who posted pictures of their perfect weekend with the perfect lighting and the holding hands? Maybe they had an argument right before. Maybe they haven't seen each other in months. You don't know. Because they're not you.

If you'd like to see more posts in this series, I'd invite you to go ahead and follow me on Facebook, or stay tuned- I'm working on putting all the posts in this series together so they're easier to find. Thanks!

October Update

Because, let's be honest, it's hard to keep up in the blogging world!

<> Work's going well- we're out of the fire and into the furnace- summer camp is over, but Fall youth retreats are starting up today. 75 middle schoolers say what?

("AAAAAH!" and "I just drank three Red Bulls on the bus ride here!" That's what they say.)

<> With all the transitions and stuff, I've been really relying on my planner. So, yeah, I've been posting about that a lot.

<> We went on a three-day vacation to the Black Hills last week, and it was awesome. And just what I needed.

<> I still need yo' tips on Fall fashion. Link.It.Up.

 <> Zeke's been making lots of dehydrator food (so, like, jerky and apple chips and dehydrated watermelon, which he really likes and I really hate), so there's that.

 <> Still not pregnant. I was hitting a wall with my regular family doctor about that (she wanted to put me back on birth control to "reset" my cycle, and yeah, no. No Pill for me.), so we decided that seeing a NaPro might be our best bet. We'll be on the same page as the doctor as far as no IVF and no birth control, at least.

We started using Creighton two weeks ago, went for our first follow up on Tuesday. I'm kind of loving the no-temping thing.



<> I had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks last week, but I was completely underwhelmed. Zeke took a sip and said, "This doesn't taste like four dollars."

Anyway, I thought maybe I was out of the Pumpkin-Spice-loving stage of life, but then I got some Pumpkin Spice creamer, and yeah, it's pretty wonderful. Maybe the Starbucks guy was just a newbie?

This post is linked up with Jenna for tl;dr, and with Jen for 7QT! Because there were seven things!