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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Be Careful What You Pray For...

This weekend, Zeke and I went to a wonderfully powerful retreat. With the TV off, Facebook far away, and all other distractions aside, it's amazing how much self-reflection can happen.

I realized this weekend that I've been hiding from God's plan for my life. To be honest, I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of being rejected by other education professionals, I'm afraid that I won't be able to hack it as a teacher, I'm afraid that I'll grandly and publicly screw up, I'm afraid I can't balance home life and school life and married life and teaching life... I'm just afraid.

And so I've been standing in the way of getting my career off the ground. Not overtly- I'm still working to further my teaching career by taking classes, by subbing here and there, but I've also been turning down jobs, saying no to bigger commitments, not working on my resume and portfolio... in short, I've been far less than intentional about getting started. Because I'm afraid. But we already covered that.

I figured that out this weekend.

And I prayed. On Sunday afternoon, I prayed that fear won't come between me and my calling. I prayed for confidence, and I prayed for doors to be opened.

And then, frankly, I forgot that I'd prayed for all that.

Yesterday, a call came. A high school principal, asking if I would be interested in subbing, long-term, for a Language Arts class. The long-term sub they had already lined up had accepted a full-time teaching position in a nearby town instead, and they needed someone else. Doors opening.

I said yes, set up a meeting, and then sat down after the phone call, still all full of adrenaline making that tingly feeling go up and down my arms, and thought, "Wow. Where did all this come from?"

While I forgot my prayer, the Lord didn't.

Now I need prayers from all of you! I'm a full-time student taking a full load of classes right now. I'm trying to maintain a home and a healthy family, and now I'm looking at adding another huge responsibility to my plate. But I want this. I want it so, so much. I'm nervous, and I'm hoping that the meeting goes great, and I don't know how I'll be able to balance everything. I'm going to need a lot of divine intervention, lots of support, and lots of grace. 

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