The Big Picture

It's all marriage this and marriage that. What's the big deal, anyway?

I mean, the definition of marriage seems to be up for debate these days, anyway. Not only is the definition changing, but fewer people are choosing to get married, and even fewer are staying married.

As Christians, what's the point?

Marriage is bigger than culture. 


Somehow, our society decided along the way that we have the option to define marriage. We think that the laws we set, the limits we decide, our own dictations define what marriage really is.

But see, marriage didn't start with us.

This "institution" wasn't created by our culture. It can't be a cultural relic, can't become outdated.

God created marriage.

Just look at the Bible. The Bible begins and ends with a wedding, after all- first in the garden of Eden between Adam and Eve, and then in Revelation between Christ and the Church. Marriage bookends all of human history

Marriage was God's idea in the first place.

And what God puts into place, He regulates. Not us.


The greatest enemy of marriage isn't a changing culture- it's me.


Yep.


Sometimes we think the greatest enemy of marriage is adultery, or losing passion for one another, or focusing too much on the kids. Sometimes we push it even further outside our own front doors and think that same-sex marriage is the enemy, no-fault divorce is the enemy, or media is the enemy.

But the true enemy of marriage is selfishness.

And that's really scary, because I am very, very selfish.


When I got married, I kind of thought that I'd be more... fulfilled. I thought I would have someone around to listen to me, to make me smile, to help me with the stuff of life. (See the issue there? Me, me, me!)

It took me a while to figure this next point out, and so I want to give you a jump start on it.

Marriage is about nakedness and vulnerability. Your husband will see all of your sin, and you'll see all of his. And you know what? He will have the right to point it out.

Marriage gives you the opportunity to repent, to serve, to grow in holiness. You want what is best for one another. Unfortunately, sometimes that's difficult. You may need to be humbled before you can learn.

Zeke is not perfect. He has his faults, to be sure. Of course, I didn't know all those faults before we got married. And after I found out just how imperfect he is, I had two choices. I could throw in the towel, or work at it anyway.

It is work.  It really really is. And sometimes that work is rewarding and all sunshiney and glorious. More often, though, it hurts.


I wasn't prepared for the hurting part.


The first time Zeke sat down with me and told me that my behavior was in the wrong, I reacted badly. We'd spent the day with my sisters... and my sisters sometimes get the best of me. They got the best of me that afternoon, anyway. I just did things the way I always did things- I snapped back with a hurtful, sarcastic comment or two.

On the drive home, Zeke called me out on it.

Who was he to think he understood the complicated relationship between my sisters and I? His family has issues, too! Who does he think he is?! 

Well, he thought he was my husband. He's dedicated to making me a better person (just as I am to him). And sometimes, yes. That hurts.


As you're planning for this new life- this new marriage- don't fall into the trap that your marriage should always be pain-free, full of joy and good lighting. That's just not the way it is. Your marriage will result in hurt feelings, in disappointment, in some confrontation. Things won't always seem so wonderful.

But you will grow. You'll grow towards holiness and become a better person for Christ.

That's the big picture.

If you're called to marriage, remember this. Marriage isn't about you. It's not about having all your needs met (only Jesus can do that, honey). It's about learning to love as you have been loved by your Creator.

Will it be hard? Yes.

Will it be worth it?

Definitely. 

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This post is part of a series- make your engagement a time of intentional growth to prepare you for marriage, not just a time of planning for a wedding!

"Like" A Little Wife's Happy Life on Facebook to catch more Intentional Engagement posts!

Other Posts in the Intentional Engagement Series:

SMOOTH AS A RIVER ROCK

BUDDING FRUIT AND DOING SOME NARROWING DOWN

WEDDING PLANNING CAN MAKE YOU DULL: YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEDDING

DON'T SEND DOVES, OR PLANNING A MARRIAGE RATHER THAN A WEDDING

JUNE AND WINNING AT YOUR WEDDING

DECIDE AND DEFINE:TIPS FOR PLANNING A "NOT OUT OF A MAGAZINE" WEDDING

WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT: CHOOSE THE ADVENTURE

FIGHT FAIR: PERSPECTIVE, TATER TOTS, AND TRUTH


SUBMISSION AND OFFERING IT UP (IN WHICH I DON'T WANT CHINESE AGAIN.)

Submission and Offering it Up (in Which I Don't Want Chinese Again.)

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." -Ephesians 5:21-24

We don't really like the "S" word, do we? 

Submission. 

It's a dirty, dirty word in our culture. And why should that be a surprise to us? Look at our culture- we've been taught that backing down is always weak and wrong, that our opinions and feelings matter above all else. 

Which, of course, is exactly opposite of what God says here in Ephesians. 

I'm a bossy person, generally speaking. Submission does not come easily to me. 

Trust me when I say this- submission is God's plan for marriage. My marriage runs much more smoothly when I make the choice to yield to my husband. We've only been married for two years, but I've learned that much already. Putting it into practice is another issue, of course. 

Submission is just that- a choice. You have to choose to submit to this man to whom you've linked your life. And honestly, it's hard.

Especially when you think you'll do something better than he can. Or when you have a big opinion about something. Or when you feel that he's putting his own desires first. 

When we try to control the men God has given to us, the men He's decided are best to lead our families, aren't we also trying to control God?

I've struggled with submission. I have a husband who takes charge of our little family- Zeke's a natural leader, and a good one. I know I'm blessed. But sometimes, can't I have things my way for once?!?! There have been plenty of times that I've been upset, and confused about why I'm upset, only to realize that I'm angry because I don't want to follow my Zeke's lead on something. 

I wish I had known, before getting married, how to submit.

Unrelated pretty flower picture.

Offer It Up

In Catholic circles, there's a practice called "offering it up." When faced with something unpleasant, or painful, or difficult, they offer it up. They deal with the pain or annoyance or difficulty by offering up the situation in prayer- an intention for someone or something else. 

Even the smallest of children can be taught that things are sometimes unpleasant, but it can be used for good. Hungry? Offer it up for those children who have no food- "God, I offer up my hunger right now- please be with those people who are starving, Lord. Provide for them." Simple. Powerful. 

And I never learned that. I deal with unpleasantness by whining and complaining and bearing it until it's over. 

I did that in my marriage, too. I submitted to my husband, but with rolling of eyes and becoming the whiniest of whiners. 

(To which you ask, "...And what's really improved, here? Adrie's still the whiniest of whiners!" True, friends, true. But His grace is good.)

After learning how to "offer it up," I've come to a stunning realization. 

Things don't always go my way. 

I'd like it if I didn't have to deal with that annoying work situation. I didn't want to get that cold sore. It wasn't in my plan to struggle to conceive.

Submitting to a situation that doesn't go my way- that's part of life. We can use it for good- to pray for someone else and be thankful for the blessings in our own lives- or we can allow it to make us miserable. Sort of like what we discussed in this post. 



Okay, that's all well and good, but what does that have to do with submission in marriage?

Submission sometimes means that things don't go your way. Whether it's going to the Chinese buffet for supper again, waiting on welcoming another life into your home, or deciding Christmas plans, you may need to accept a role of submission to that guy who leads your family.

You have a choice. You can complain and suffer for it and make everyone generally unhappy, or you can offer it up. Offer up your discomfort or disappointment with the intention that your marriage will grow strong. For those who are waiting for that right person and wondering where he is and would he just hurry up and get here, already. For those who have lost a spouse.

It makes that submission, giving up that bossy role, a little easier to accept. It helps me to trust God's plan- that He put this man (the one who always wants to go to the Chinese buffet) in my life for a reason. To trust that this man's decisions will lead me closer to God, to good things on this earth.


Right now, you don't have that husband to whom you submit. But you will, and you will disagree with him. Maybe about Chinese, maybe about something much bigger. When you do, you'll want to be well-versed in offering up your struggles.

So start doing it now. Hang-nail? Offer it up. Parking ticket? Conversation with a difficult sister? Demanding co-worker? The more you offer up your struggles now, the more natural it will become.

This post is part of a series- make your engagement a time of intentional growth to prepare you for marriage, not just a time of planning for a wedding!

"Like" A Little Wife's Happy Life on Facebook to catch more Intentional Engagement posts!

Other Posts in the Intentional Engagement Series:

SMOOTH AS A RIVER ROCK

BUDDING FRUIT AND DOING SOME NARROWING DOWN

WEDDING PLANNING CAN MAKE YOU DULL: YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEDDING

DON'T SEND DOVES, OR PLANNING A MARRIAGE RATHER THAN A WEDDING

JUNE AND WINNING AT YOUR WEDDING

DECIDE AND DEFINE:TIPS FOR PLANNING A "NOT OUT OF A MAGAZINE" WEDDING

WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT: CHOOSE THE ADVENTURE

FIGHT FAIR: PERSPECTIVE, TATER TOTS, AND TRUTH

When the Lights Go Out

We got slammed with quite a few big storms last week, as did quite a bit of Iowa, Nebraska, and Minnesota. (And I hope you’ll join me in praying for Pilger, Nebraska, where the community has suffered many injuries and lost loved ones because of this storm system, as well as all the places in the Midwest experiencing major flooding).

At about 4:00 in the afternoon last Monday, the sky went so dark it looked like it was the middle of the night, and the wind was really blowing. We had the radio tuned to the weather in the office… until the power at the radio station went out.

And then our power went out.

With 110 people- 27 families- at Camp.

What a difference attitude makes! When the lights flickered twice and then everything went dark, it became quickly apparent that attitude is everything.

Some of our campers made the best of it- enjoying supper by the glow of candlelight in the dining hall, smiling and doing their best to help out, sharing flashlights and rain gear. Other campers were less gracious- scowls and complaints, some even leaving early. If they had a good attitude, they had a good time, despite the inconvenience and discomfort. If they had a bad attitude, they had a bad time.

Life brings a lot of unexpected, unplanned circumstances beyond our control. You can either see it as an adventure, or as an issue.

Choose to make it an adventure.

If your invitations didn’t turn out the way you hoped, if the tea light candles don’t fit in your centerpieces, if uninvited guests show up, if your grandfather leads arousing sing-along of God Bless America at the reception- it’s all part of the adventure.

Don’t let it get to you… and let that adventure-attitude carry you into your marriage with grace. When the basement floods at your new home? When he loses his job? When you have to move again?

Life will not always be fun, or romantic, or convenient. Sometimes it will be sad and disappointing and hard. But it’s worth it. You’ll learn and grow and become. But the learning and growing and becoming depend on you taking your circumstances and choosing to find the adventure. Even when the lights go out.

"Like" A Little Wife's Happy Life on Facebook to catch more Intentional Engagement posts!

Other Posts in the Intentional Engagement Series:

SMOOTH AS A RIVER ROCK: HAVING AN INTENTIONAL ENGAGEMENT

BUDDING FRUIT AND DOING SOME NARROWING DOWN 

WEDDING PLANNING CAN MAKE YOU DULL: YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEDDING 

DON'T SEND DOVES, OR PLANNING A MARRIAGE RATHER THAN A WEDDING

JUNE AND WINNING AT YOUR WEDDING

DECIDE AND DEFINE: TIPS FOR PLANNING A NOT-OUT-OF-A-MAGAZINE WEDDING

This post is linked to Amateur Nester.

Budding Fruit and Doing Some Narrowing Down

Engagements can be such a time of growth for a couple. You’re in love, you’ve made an enormous commitment- now it’s just the waiting time. The planning time.

I know many couples who had short engagements- anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of days. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve known a couple who were engaged for five years. Zeke and I fell somewhere in the middle of this range, and were engaged for two years. Our engagement was a transforming time for our relationship. 

Of course, all relationship transformation starts with transforming yourself.

Which isn’t necessarily what I wanted to do. I started my engagement by buying three bridal magazines that promised to help me Plan the Perfect Wedding and make my Arms Look Great in That Strapless Dress. Which both sounded like fun and also like the things on which I needed to spend all the time!  

After the initial wave of overwhelming excitement, I realized that maybe I should focus on making my relationship stronger, since I had two entire years to do triceps dips and think about cake flavors. So of course, I read articles about the 100 Ways to Have a Great Engagement… realized that many of these so-called Ways included intimacies that went against my beliefs, or were really just more information about narrowing down guest lists.

I never really had the thought that the way I should start to prepare for my marriage was by figuring out what needed to be narrowed down in me.

Of course, God’s pretty good at humbling the prideful, and soon I started looking into the qualities that are visible for those living in the Holy Spirit- especially the ones in which I’m sorely lacking.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control.- Galatians 5:22-23

Marriage isn’t about butterflies and constant joy. It’s going to be hard sometimes, and you’ll need the grace of God to heal broken places, to show you how to forgive, to help you keep your hope and joy in the hard times. If you’re going to spend your engagement creating a strong foundation for a forever marriage, you need to be living out the qualities of a Spirit-filled life.  And Scripture spells that out pretty clearly in this verse. 

Spend your engagement connecting first with God. To have a grace-filled marriage, you must first be living out a life of grace. 

Notice that this verse describes the fruit of the Spirit, not the fruit of Adrie … or Susan or Julie or Rachel. This verse isn’t about what we can create in ourselves. If I’m living in the Spirit as a believer of Christ, I have all those things already- the patience and love and gentleness and self-control- those are the evidence of the Spirit at work within me, and within you. The good news is that we’ve already got these qualities!

Does that mean that I’m always gentle? Or always patient? Of course not. We’ve been made new in Christ, but we’re still human. Just because I have self-control through the Spirit doesn’t mean that it’s at all developed.

Go back and look at the Fruit again. Does one of those words stick out to you? For me, self-control is an area in which I struggle- that and patience! Which of those qualities is least developed in your own life? Be honest with yourself.

The newlywed stage of marriage can be challenging and humbling. I know that I became ever so conscious of flaws that went unnoticed- things I could ignore or push down deep into the Someday I’ll Deal with It bin- before joining myself to someone else for better or worse. Getting married brings all those flaws to the surface, trust me.

 If you take the time to start working on those issues, on fostering positive qualities now rather than realizing you’ve got so many weaknesses later, you definitely won’t regret it. 

Now of course, finding the flaws in ourselves and taking those to task is hard work. It’s much easier to look at that handsome future husband of ours and find the fruit of the spirit where he should spend his time.  

So I’ll suggest something to keep you on track. 

I tend to be pretty forgetful. (Thank goodness memory isn’t a fruit of the spirit… that would be another to add to the list of fruits that are still in the budding stage in my life.) I have to write things down. Journaling has been a long-standing habit for me. 

I would suggest that you find a little time in each day to reflect. For me, I’d write things down in a journal or notebook somewhere- but maybe that’s not for you, and that’s fine, too. The point is to think about the growing you need to do, the sins you need to root out, the habits you need to take up, and make note of progress. Give yourself an honest evaluation. 

Was your attitude about that set-back an attitude of joy? Did you handle that conflict with the necessary gentleness? Did eating all the cookies help you grow in self-control? By making a conscious effort to ask yourself these things, you’ll make a habit of keeping your mind in a perspective of holiness- of finding the Spirit in your daily routine, in living a lifestyle in light of the grace of God.

The first step toward an intentional engagement is an intentional lifestyle- the change starts with you.


I would also like to recommend this book to you- The Bride's Handbook: A Spiritual & Practical Guide for Planning Your Wedding. I found it in the church library during a particularly stressful bout of wedding planning, and it's wonderful. Truly. Not only does it have lovely tips for wedding planning, but the devotional aspect is great. The writing is so peaceful... it got me through some stressful times, and began the change in my attitude toward my own engagement.

"Like" A Little Wife's Happy Life on Facebook to catch more Intentional Engagement posts!

Other Posts in the Intentional Engagement Series:
Smooth as a River Rock: Having an Intentional Engagement

Things They Don't Tell You about Engagements

When I got engaged, I totally expected it to be a wonderful, dewy-eyed, chiffon-and-lace type of experience. I mean, after all, I did have the man of my dreams... and how could life be anything but glorious with this thing on my left hand?

Bam! Shiny!

And of course, there was all the excitement and attention and congratulations surrounding getting engaged. I thought it was going to be awesome.

In some ways, it is definitely awesome. (I said some ways.)

But here's what they don't tell you.

1. There are ninety million ways to procrastinate planning your wedding.

Let's be honest, ladies. Pinterest is wonderful, but it sure is a great way to avoid getting stuff done. I spent hours on the internet and looking through magazines "getting ideas for the wedding." Cha, yeah right. All I managed to do was spend the first year of my 18 month engagement wasting time with seventy five thousand different ideas for the wedding.

Seriously, if you took my Pinterest board and turned it into an actual wedding, it would be like a circus. Worse than a circus. It would be a wedding going through an identity crisis.

It was super difficult for me (and still is, even at this stage of the planning process) to narrow down my ideas and get some kind of focus. (My mom calls that "streamlining." She keeps saying it. "Streamline, dear. We've got to streamline!" I never want to hear that word again....)

Which brings us to our next point:

2. You very likely will want to drop-kick your mother at some point in the process.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I love my mom. We're pretty close, and have been all through my college years (and high school, too, if you don't count some PMS-driven rage). My mom is awesome.

But weddings, as I found out, do not always bring out the the best "selves" of mothers and daughters, as much as you may try. My mom has a great, fun-loving, spontaneous personality. Which makes her my nemesis during wedding planning, because I'm a type-A, routine and schedule and To Do list kind of personality.

She's all, "Oh, it'll get done, no worries. Let's dance!" and I'm all, "MOM! Programs were supposed to be done YESTERDAY. No dancing!"

3. Wedding planning nightmares.

If you didn't gather from our discussion of #2, I'm a bit of a high-strung person sometimes. That translates, very often, into my sleep. Instead of the blissful dreams I imagined I'd have during my engagement -Zeke in nothing but shorty-shorts, Zeke rubbing my feet, Zeke and I riding a horse into the sunset- I have had a lot of dreams that result in me waking up in a cold sweat (not at all the kind of sweat that would result from a dream about Zeke in shorty-shorts).

I've had dreams where I got all dressed and realized I was in the wrong church. Dreams where I was in the right church, but the walls were carpeted and red. Or there was one where Zeke's actually happily married parents were divorced and each remarried, we couldn't find his mother, and somehow I just knew that his stepparents were sleeping with each other. Analyze that one.

Lately, though, it hasn't been the dreams- I've just been waking up in a panic late at night and realizing that I have completely forgotten about a "key" part of the wedding.

<GASP!> I don't have my marriage license yet! Isn't there a three month waiting period???? (No, there's not.)

<GASP!> Bows for the pews! We don't have bows!!!

<GASP!> Aisle runner or no aisle runner!?

It's a little ridiculous.

4. You will fight with your beloved.

Like I said, I thought I'd be all lovey-dovey toward my Hunky future Husband during our engagement. That certainly was true for the first six months or so (we had a long engagement, remember).


But, due to my high-strung nature, the fact that I'm living back home with my folks and three teenage sisters, and because Zeke is currently living more than an hour and a half away, things have gotten tense several times. And mostly, to be honest, it's been my fault (just don't tell him I said that).

5. You will worry about things you've never worried about before.

I don't generally consider myself a very high-maintenance person. High-strung, yes, but not high-maintenance. I'm not really into the whole hair and makeup thing most of the time. But with this wedding coming up so quickly, I've suddenly turned into a Kardashian. And I'm stressing about ... my tan lines.

Ridiculous, right? No one will notice anyways! Yes, it's a strapless dress, but those tan lines from last year are not that bad.

But they seem that bad to me.

Silly.

Honestly, everyone tells you how stressful wedding planning is. There are tons of tips online of how to reduce your stress. Tons. But I didn't think I actually understood how much an engagement stresses a gal out until I was doing it myself. And now that I am... geez oh man.

Heaven help us all for the next two- wait, less than two. Almost one! Oh my gosh! I have to order rocks online! Zeke hasn't finished cutting centerpieces! Did my dad get his tux fitting yet?- months.



For some advice about engagement and wedding planning, and about what I learned about making engagement less stress and more intentional, check out some of these posts... 

Intentional Engagement Series:

SMOOTH AS A RIVER ROCK

BUDDING FRUIT AND DOING SOME NARROWING DOWN

WEDDING PLANNING CAN MAKE YOU DULL: YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEDDING

DON'T SEND DOVES, OR PLANNING A MARRIAGE RATHER THAN A WEDDING

JUNE AND WINNING AT YOUR WEDDING

DECIDE AND DEFINE:TIPS FOR PLANNING A "NOT OUT OF A MAGAZINE" WEDDING

WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT: CHOOSE THE ADVENTURE

FIGHT FAIR: PERSPECTIVE, TATER TOTS, AND TRUTH


SUBMISSION AND OFFERING IT UP (IN WHICH I DON'T WANT CHINESE AGAIN.)