We Need Community: Newlywed Loneliness

Community is kind of built in to the majority of our youth.

If you're a public school kid, you've got automatic friends in your grade or your classroom. Homeschooling kids have co-ops and groups. And of course, if you're fortunate (and I was), you have neighbors who are close to your own age and siblings running around everywhere. The same is true in higher education- I lived in a dorm during college- an insta-community!

Completely unrelated photographs of horses. Unrelated, but lovely, yes?

Of course, all of that changed drastically when I graduated and got married.

It's hard to make friendships as an adult.

In my case, I moved to a new town, my friends were scattered throughout the country (and the world!) and while I was pretty well wrapped up in my brand new hubby, I became very lonely.

We need community. We've been designed for interactions with other human beings- and human beings other than our spouses, too. But when you're in a new place, a new situation, a new phase of life... well, that community is hard to come by.

Of course, if you're working outside the home, you will probably be able to make some friendships in your workplace, and that will certainly help. But really (and I don't know about you, but I feel this way), if you've spent all day with someone at work, you may not want to spend your evenings with them. It's nice to get away sometimes, you know?

And if you're not working outside the home- all the more opportunity for you to feel isolated and alone.

So where are you to find community?

One of the very first things I would suggest a newly married couple to do is this- find a church.

Find a church where you feel welcome, a church where you can be yourselves. A church where you can find a family. And get involved. Volunteer to bring cookies, to serve in the nursery, to shake hands. Introduce yourself. Invite people to join you for lunch after the service.

The biggest mistake of our first several months of marriage was thinking that we didn't need to find a church family. Going to services at our Camp on Sundays was convenient, and who could really ask for more? And we missed out, for months, on building friendships. We knew our Camp family- the people with whom we work- but besides that... we pretty were isolated.

It wasn't until Zeke and I found our church home that we finally began to build true friendships, to form a community.

The Big Picture

It's all marriage this and marriage that. What's the big deal, anyway?

I mean, the definition of marriage seems to be up for debate these days, anyway. Not only is the definition changing, but fewer people are choosing to get married, and even fewer are staying married.

As Christians, what's the point?

Marriage is bigger than culture. 


Somehow, our society decided along the way that we have the option to define marriage. We think that the laws we set, the limits we decide, our own dictations define what marriage really is.

But see, marriage didn't start with us.

This "institution" wasn't created by our culture. It can't be a cultural relic, can't become outdated.

God created marriage.

Just look at the Bible. The Bible begins and ends with a wedding, after all- first in the garden of Eden between Adam and Eve, and then in Revelation between Christ and the Church. Marriage bookends all of human history

Marriage was God's idea in the first place.

And what God puts into place, He regulates. Not us.


The greatest enemy of marriage isn't a changing culture- it's me.


Yep.


Sometimes we think the greatest enemy of marriage is adultery, or losing passion for one another, or focusing too much on the kids. Sometimes we push it even further outside our own front doors and think that same-sex marriage is the enemy, no-fault divorce is the enemy, or media is the enemy.

But the true enemy of marriage is selfishness.

And that's really scary, because I am very, very selfish.


When I got married, I kind of thought that I'd be more... fulfilled. I thought I would have someone around to listen to me, to make me smile, to help me with the stuff of life. (See the issue there? Me, me, me!)

It took me a while to figure this next point out, and so I want to give you a jump start on it.

Marriage is about nakedness and vulnerability. Your husband will see all of your sin, and you'll see all of his. And you know what? He will have the right to point it out.

Marriage gives you the opportunity to repent, to serve, to grow in holiness. You want what is best for one another. Unfortunately, sometimes that's difficult. You may need to be humbled before you can learn.

Zeke is not perfect. He has his faults, to be sure. Of course, I didn't know all those faults before we got married. And after I found out just how imperfect he is, I had two choices. I could throw in the towel, or work at it anyway.

It is work.  It really really is. And sometimes that work is rewarding and all sunshiney and glorious. More often, though, it hurts.


I wasn't prepared for the hurting part.


The first time Zeke sat down with me and told me that my behavior was in the wrong, I reacted badly. We'd spent the day with my sisters... and my sisters sometimes get the best of me. They got the best of me that afternoon, anyway. I just did things the way I always did things- I snapped back with a hurtful, sarcastic comment or two.

On the drive home, Zeke called me out on it.

Who was he to think he understood the complicated relationship between my sisters and I? His family has issues, too! Who does he think he is?! 

Well, he thought he was my husband. He's dedicated to making me a better person (just as I am to him). And sometimes, yes. That hurts.


As you're planning for this new life- this new marriage- don't fall into the trap that your marriage should always be pain-free, full of joy and good lighting. That's just not the way it is. Your marriage will result in hurt feelings, in disappointment, in some confrontation. Things won't always seem so wonderful.

But you will grow. You'll grow towards holiness and become a better person for Christ.

That's the big picture.

If you're called to marriage, remember this. Marriage isn't about you. It's not about having all your needs met (only Jesus can do that, honey). It's about learning to love as you have been loved by your Creator.

Will it be hard? Yes.

Will it be worth it?

Definitely. 

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This post is part of a series- make your engagement a time of intentional growth to prepare you for marriage, not just a time of planning for a wedding!

"Like" A Little Wife's Happy Life on Facebook to catch more Intentional Engagement posts!

Other Posts in the Intentional Engagement Series:

SMOOTH AS A RIVER ROCK

BUDDING FRUIT AND DOING SOME NARROWING DOWN

WEDDING PLANNING CAN MAKE YOU DULL: YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEDDING

DON'T SEND DOVES, OR PLANNING A MARRIAGE RATHER THAN A WEDDING

JUNE AND WINNING AT YOUR WEDDING

DECIDE AND DEFINE:TIPS FOR PLANNING A "NOT OUT OF A MAGAZINE" WEDDING

WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT: CHOOSE THE ADVENTURE

FIGHT FAIR: PERSPECTIVE, TATER TOTS, AND TRUTH


SUBMISSION AND OFFERING IT UP (IN WHICH I DON'T WANT CHINESE AGAIN.)

My Husband Paid All My Student Loans, and Accepting Grace

I graduated college with a degree in Education, a crisp teaching license, over fifty thousand dollars of debt, and absolutely no job prospects.

Yep. Laying it all out there today. 

I started paying off my loans early- a little bit at a time- all throughout college, and was dedicated to making payments every month, even if it was only $50 towards the huge principle balance.

But really, despite my diligence, my Ramen-noodle-and-apples diet, and only getting haircuts from a friend in the dorm, it was only a drop in the bucket.

Zeke knew all about my loans. I mean, how could he not? I did whine about writing checks toward 'em. He got to hear all about it every month.

I grew up in a family that did not talk about money unless it was to tell us girls that no, we couldn't have an American Girl doll because we couldn't afford it. I believe that my parents did the best they could, but as I got older, it became clear that my folks had made some bad financial decisions; ones that were affecting our family still.

So I went the opposite way. I was extremely cautious with money. I started working (fast food, but still) when I was fifteen, and quickly learned that the more I worked, the more money I could squirrel away. I worked around thirty hours a week all throughout high school, with babysitting jobs and odd jobs here and there thrown in for good measure. I didn't make much money, but I worked a ton, and the money I did make was saved and carefully guarded. My checking account never went below $100. Ever.

My habits followed me to college. I decided to attend a private school, which was expensive, but I truly loved the school, so I made sacrifices. I took a job on campus, and worked a lot- even doing double overnight shifts for a semester (and it was then that I acquired my coffee habit!), and the money I made was budgeted meticulously.

Even with all the work and all the caution and all the obsessive number crunching, I knew that I'd leave college with debt. And I hated that. But I told myself that I was better off than many of my friends- I'd started paying it off!

A year after graduation, still religiously paying those bills, I got married.

Zeke had worked all through high school and college as well, but he worked more skilled jobs, more physically demanding jobs, and he got paid a lot more. And he also saved and scrimped, and went to a community college for a few years before a state school to get his degree (and paid out of pocket for it all). And as quick as "I Do," his bank account, which had much larger numbers than mine, was now suddenly our account.

And one day, about a week after our wedding, Zeke sat me down and asked to see the loan information. I pulled out my detailed files with payment dates and plans and interest rate calculations and notes.

And then, he got out the checkbook and together, we paid them all.

As those envelopes were sealed and stamped, I felt a pit deep in my stomach.

Because I didn't make that money, but I had made that debt.


I have trouble accepting grace. Lots of trouble with it. Somehow it doesn't feel right to be given something that I didn't work for. That I didn't earn. Whether it's my husband paying off my student loans, or Jesus dying in my place, I don't accept it well.

It took me a while to be okay with Zeke's sacrifice for me. We're one person now, with one budget and one goal and one life. I know that not beginning our lives together in debt is good for both of us, that we don't have to pay thousands of dollars in interest. I know... but still- it was my debt, from my education. An education that gained me a teaching license... which I'm not using.

I did not expect him to pay my loans. But he did.

Who would have thought that Jesus would pay for our sins with his own life? It seems just far too good to be true.

All I know is that my husband gave me a very real picture that afternoon, sitting on the couch with a checkbook in hand. First, he taught me that, well, I still need to work at accepting grace. But he showed me something else, too. He gave me a small picture of what it is to redeemed.

Sprouts, What's in My Entryway, and Lost Socks

-1-

I came home this evening and found the above in my entryway. Wanna know what it is?

It took me a minute.

Zeke bought a hitch and towing system for our car! So we can cart our little camper around without the use of the pickup (which Zeke is planning to sell). 

The original thought was that we'd go camping nearby someplace this weekend. {Happy!} Of course, that was before the temperature dropped to 33 degrees F last night- and it doesn't look like it'll warm up anytime soon. We'll see.

-2-

And, due to the cold weather, we brought our container garden inside. My patience (ha, patience) is paying off... we've got sprouts! {Blurry, but pretty!}

-3-

Our unmatched sock collection is growing. How does that even happen? Where are all the orphaned socks? {Funny}

-4-

 

After another cycle that ended in another assurance that I'm still not ovulating, I went ahead last week and scheduled a doctor's appointment to see if we can't figure out what's going on with me. Of course, the doctor's office simply doesn't have any new patient openings until the middle of June.

(Yes, we've lived here for a year and haven't yet gotten a doctor. Despite my complaints any and every time either Zeke or I get a head cold, we're actually pretty healthy.)

In the meantime, I've done some research, and the more information I get, the more I think I may have PCOS. I still need to get testing and everything to confirm that suspicion, but I've also found some information about how dietary changes can make a difference. So, I've been trying to eat better- limiting sugar and eating fewer carbs (but oh, how I love carbs and sugar!)

Of course, it {really} doesn't help that I came home to find a bag full of Camp cookies on the trunk...

-5-

All right, lovelies, I need some advice.

Despite the cold snap, I do believe that it will someday be summer and will someday be uncomfortably warm. And when it's uncomfortably warm (or even just warm), I like to wear skirts. I don't know, I feel more professional in skirts than in shorts. 

Anyway! I need to get myself some new ballet flats. I've been wearing these babies for the past... four? five? years...

(Won't you please excuse the very {real} dirt on the entryway floor? I knew you would. After all, I have a maintenance man for a husband. That's an excuse, right?) 

... and I think it's time for some new ones. These are getting pretty well stretched out and scuffed up. 

Any suggestions? I'd like to go with something non-rubbery-Croc-material, but still very comfortable. Arch support preferred. 

-6-

Zeke just came home and announced that we will be camping this weekend. Good thing our little camper has a heater. 

-7-

 

Most random quick-takes ever? Perhaps. 

I've been slowly going through The Power of a Praying Wife for the past month or so (thank you, understanding church library lady!) and I've really enjoyed it. I used to pray for Zeke pretty regularly, but I always seemed to be asking for the same things, praying about the same things. This book has really helped me to expand my prayers- not only does the author have an awesome first name, but she's very thorough. I've really enjoyed it thus far. 

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(And now, for some shameless plugs) 

Posts this week and from the archives:

Smooth as a River Rock: Having an Intentional Engagement : The first post in my new Intentional Engagement series. There are so many tips and tricks for wedding planning, but how many engaged couples plan for their marriage with that same intensity and focus? And why not? It is a lifetime, after all! 

Camp Fosters Faith : I may be a little bias (I mean, I do live and work at a Bible Camp...) but I've seen summer camp make a huge difference in the faith life of children.

Why My Long Distance Relationship Was Super Awesome : Four years and 500 miles, and we're so much better for it.

Maintenance Man Monday: In the Rough : In which my husband is tough on his clothes. He still is. Consider this post Exhibit A.

Exhibit B?

Compression shorts with the elastic waistband pulled away from the fabric. In several places. But they're $10 a piece, and if I didn't mend all the ripped ones, we'd be buying five pairs a month!



Have a lovely weekend!

Linked up with Jen at Conversion Diary for Seven Quick Takes, and the ladies at Like Mother, Like Daughter for Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real.

Rethink Date Night: Dinner and A Movie is a Lame Date and Fifteen Things to Do Instead

If I could give one piece of advice to couples- whether they're dating or engaged or married- on how to encourage deeper connections with one another, it would be this:

Rethink Date Night. 

We have several married friends who have made it a priority in their marriages to spend time dating one another. That's a great thing to do, for sure! But here's the thing... when I ask what they're planning on doing, the answer always seems the same- "Dinner and a Movie."

The same thing is true for my sister and her boyfriend of three years- they're going out on a Friday night? What are they doing? You guessed it! "Dinner and a Movie."

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with going out for the good old D&M combo, but it's not really the best way to grow as a couple. There's no real experience to it.

If Zeke and I go out for dinner and a movie, a year from now, I may remember parts of the movie (unless I fell asleep during it... which is pretty likely...) or maybe some of our dinner conversation, but it won't be a date I'll clearly remember. I most likely won't learn anything about myself or about my husband.

It comes down to this- why do we do date nights? Are we just checking it off our to-do lists, or does date night actually have a purpose? For us, that purpose is to connect and grow as a couple. Watching a movie together doesn't really help us to do that. In short, dinner and a movie is really kind of lame.

Why not try something a little more... adventurous? Have an experience, not just a date.


1) Go for a walk or a bike ride or attempt to roller blade together (carefully.)

2) Drive out to a lake and go fishing (or kayaking or canoeing).

3) Learn something together- like a language or kickboxing or how to reupholster or ballroom dancing or flower arranging or fencing!

4) Go check out garage sales or thrift stores- cheap and interesting

5) Plan a road trip- figure out places you'd like to stop along the way, the things you'd like to see. Then actually do it!

6) Cook together, or try something completely new in the kitchen (The other day, Zeke bought a jerky shooter online... we broke out the dehydrator and learned how to make jerky!)

7) Do one of those guided painting classes

8) Make a list of places around your town that you'd like to visit (ours includes a Frisbee golf course and a tiny museum dedicated to... trains, I think?)

9) Visit a random town (we went on a weekend trip to Milwaukee)


10) Go swimming- even if it's winter. Go to the gym, or check out local hotels- lots of them will let you use the pool for cheap

11) Check out open house listings around your area and go dream about your future while checking out other people's houses

12) Play cards or get a group of friends together to play games

13) Go camping- even for just one night- and make s'mores. Because s'mores are always good. Or heck, just make s'mores in your backyard.

14) Have a stay-cation- check in to a hotel nearby (or just turn your house into a "hotel," or just don't worry about laundry and housework for a weekend) and spend a weekend pretending to be tourists

15) Farmers Markets! Get some sunshine, do a little walking, and pick up some sugar snap peas.



Of course, sometimes you're just gonna want to do dinner and a movie. And that's okay- we just need to remember to make some memories, too!



Linked up with Marriage Monday, MMandM, Titus 2 Tuesday, Wise Woman, and Wedded Wednesday.