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(This post is tough for me to write. I've written and deleted it several times now, honestly. So here it goes. Please be gentle. )
I am not a patient person. I am not patient, and I do not like to surrender control. I'm the type of person who sees an issue, sees something that needs to be done, and I want to tackle it right. now.
I've shared some of the story of my journey to FAM and my fascination with how my body works, but I'll be honest. It hasn't been smooth sailing.
The first couple of months went great. I began to trust my body, and everything looked great. We were avoiding pregnancy for the first few months.
And then, after discussing and praying and calculating, we decided to stop preventing pregnancy, and try to conceive our first little one.
And my "normal" cycles stopped. My charts have been all over the place, and I'm not ovulating.
Honestly? I'm frustrated. Frustrated and disheartened. Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to do? Granted, it's only been four months. I know so many people have struggled for much, much longer. My heart goes out to them. As I said, I'm impatient.
I want babies at my breast, I want little feet, I want horribly disgusting diapers, I want challenges and emotions and hard decisions, I want sweet baby smell, I want waking up at three in the morning.
I am open to life. Very open. I am willing to carry, bear, and raise as many children as the Lord blesses us with. I believe all children are a blessing. All of them.
But what do you do when life just doesn't seem to come? What do I do when my body is fighting against my ideals and my dreams?
I've been, in the words of my darling husband, "grumpy." He's much less tightly wound then I am. Perhaps he has a deeper faith. He keeps reminding me that I need to trust in God, that He knows best. The other day, after a sobbing breakdown, Zeke set me down with a Bible, and told me to find some truth.
The Bible is pretty great for attitude adjustments, too, but Hunky Husband was too sweet (or too afraid of what my reaction would be) to suggest that I needed one of those.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will exalt my God who is my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights."
Habakkuk 3:17-19 (emphasis mine)Another cycle just ended, and my womb is still empty. Fruitless. There are no cattle in my stall.
I'm holding on to these verses. "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will exalt my God."
Of course, I don't have all the answers. I don't even know all the questions, for that matter. And I know that I will have a hard time rejoicing and exalting. A very hard time.
Pray for me, will you?