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Monday, January 13, 2014

A Word for 2014: ENOUGH

I'm not so great with making resolutions, and I'm even worse at sticking to them... so our New Year sort of came and went with little fanfare and we went to bed around 11:30 on New Year's Eve, and spent most of New Year's Day watching movies.

Huh. It was pretty much like last year... starting a tradition, are we?

Even though I'm not much for resolutions, I do like a year to have a theme. Maybe it's just the type-A personality hiding somewhere inside of me (underneath the disaster of my disorganized craft room), but I like .... themes. Structure. Plans. Inspirations.

And so when Jen mentioned a word of the year in her post last Friday (that I just read a couple days ago), I thought, "Ah ha! A theme!"

Then I just had to come up with one.

I've been accused (and rightly so) of being... a bit... dramatic. At times. Most of the time. I like life to have some spice! I embellish stories, I over-exaggerate events, I make mountains out of molehills, I really want people to like me, I get very emotional... all that. And for the most part, that's okay. It's part of who I am.

The problem comes in when it goes too far. Looking back at my life (especially in high school, but weren't we all a little over-dramatic then? Maybe?) I see a lot of times that I went overboard. Times when my need for a little drama, a little attention (okay, maybe a lot of attention) went beyond normal and ended up harming people. Ended up in outright lies, in deceit and dishonesty and ended up reflecting very badly on me. Who I am was harmed by who I wanted so badly to be. 

It was all deep-seated in a lie I've been fighting for a long time- that I'm not enough. I don't know where it came from, and really, I think we all struggle with this particular untruth at times.

I, for one, am sick of it.

I thought that as I got older, the feeling that I wasn't good enough would go away. When I got to college, I thought that being away from my family might inspire just the right amount confidence in myself so I wouldn't have to hear that whisper of doubt. That didn't happen. Then I thought that maybe when I found a man who loved me, who wanted to marry me, then I would finally feel good enough.

I've been married for two years now, and let me tell you, I've found that marriage brings out insecurities I never knew I had.

The truth is that I'm still struggling with the lie that I'm not good enough. That lie is still, still causing problems in my actions and my thoughts.

Not feeling like I am a good enough daughter led to pushing myself into the business of my siblings and becoming the bossy, nosy sister so my parents will find me more valuable.

Not feeling like I am a good enough wife leads to guilt towards my husband and insecurity around other women.

Not feeling like I am a good enough housekeeper makes me grouchy at my husband for not helping more around the house (and has led to more than my fair share of "socks on the floor" arguments).

My word for 2014 is ENOUGH.
 (Which, when you write it a bunch of times starts looking weird, and like you've misspelled it...)

I am enough, because Christ is enough, and He lives in me. I just really need to start believing that.

Enough enough enough enough enough. See? Doesn't that look weird?

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