One of my greatest sins, I believe, is comparing my life to the lives of my friends, my co-workers... anybody, really. I even compare myself with random people I went to high school with but don't really remember all that well. (I think that's one big downfall of Facebook in my life- that it allows me to compare myself to people I don't really even know!)
I found out yesterday that one of Zeke's dear friends and his wife are expecting a baby. I could tell right away that my heart isn't in the right place. My stomach felt a little like I had a rock in it, and I wasn't happy. Zeke was happy for them- smiled as soon as he heard the news. I, on the other hand, felt yucky and sad.
I don't know why, really. Babies are wonderful gifts, blessings to a family and to a marriage. Someday, I'd like to have children with Zeke. But I know that a baby, while miraculous and life-changing, would not be in the best interest of our family right now. I know that it would be difficult to raise a baby in our small home, I know that my college debt should be paid off before we consider having a child. I know that I need some source of income and we need a lot more in savings. But somewhere in my heart, all the things that I know... they don't matter. They don't matter- because I'm not being a logical being. I'm comparing my life to the lives of others, and they "have" something that I don't. It makes me jealous, and I know that I have no good reason to be jealous.
Why am I all jealous?
Well, when I make those comparisons, I'm not being grateful. I get some kind of tunnel vision that keeps me from seeing all the blessings in my life as it is now, and instead I look only at what I don't have. And that- that is sin.
I have so much to be thankful for! I have a beautiful home that fits Zeke's and my lifestyle perfectly. Not only is our home beautiful, but we're not paying rent or utilities because our home is part of camp- which also means that Zeke doesn't commute to work, and also means that he often gets the change to drop in at home and say hello during the day. And we live on the lake, for heaven's sake! I have a great "camp family" around me, many of whom live on site as well. Most of all, I have a loving, generous, adventurous, fun, godly man who calls me his wife, and together we have a strong and healthy marriage. Truly, I have been so blessed that to be lusting after more is selfish.
I told my Hunky Husband about all this on our porch before lunch, and he agreed that he'd noticed this particular struggle of mine before. It was good to talk about it, and even better to eat lunch together at our picnic table in the sunshine on this beautiful day, watching campers play games in the field. I felt such contentment. I'm working on that, being content in what we have, in where we are in life right now, and in knowing that by following the Lord and doing His will, we can be assured that our lives will follow His perfect plan for us. Someday, we may have all the desires of our hearts, all of our dreams may come true. But for now, this is enough.