I made a mistake today.
HH and I had a bit of an argument yesterday. We got to the bottom of a lot of things that have been bothering us, and came up with solutions. It was wonderful, after feeling crabby with one another for a couple days, that we finally worked through it all.
But.
Have you ever been upset about something, and then talked through issues with the person who's upsetting you, only to realize that you've only scratched the surface? That you had deeper, more complicated things going on underneath?
That's what happened today.
I have had a terrible attitude towards HH for the past couple of days. A lot of it, I think, comes from the fact that I'm not working right now. We're blessed that we live on site, so he can stop home to pick up something, change clothes, have lunch, or let me know that he'll be working late. It's so wonderful to see him during the day. He was getting upset, though, that when he came home, he often found me idly surfing the internet or watching TV. He wants me to be active during the day and relax with him at night and was worried that I might become a little depressed, and I thought he was just being bossy and controlling by telling me not to have time to myself during the day.
We got all this worked out yesterday, for the most part. We saw each other's side. We talked it all out.
But.
There was still that deep, complicated thing lurking in my soul.
And that's how I made the mistake.
Zeke and I have included each other in our everyday lives, the simple decisions and the tough decisions, the purchases and the conversations, since we began dating. The only thing that I've purchased since we've been married that I didn't tell him about was honeymoon undies (and we actually talked over a budget for those, he just hasn't seen them... for obvious reasons... ooh la la!).
But as I was looking through my wardrobe today, planning what I would pack for the honeymoon (besides the undies- got that covered), the deep, complicated thing started rearing its head. Why should I have to tell him what I buy? Why should I wait to buy some new shirts, which is definitely not an unreasonable purchase, until he gets home from work? Aren't I my own person? I don't need his permission.
And so I bought five tops online, with a gift card. I felt guilty right away, but I justified it by telling myself that by using a gift card, I wasn't really spending money... and besides, I could buy things for myself if I wanted- I am an adult, after all.
When Zeke came home for lunch, I told him. Right away. Because I felt guilty still, and because I was confused about why I felt so guilty. Because he wouldn't like the fact that I spent money? What was that deep, complicated thing lurking in my heart?
I've been thinking about it for a couple of hours now, and I've finally got the deep thing figured out, I think. One of the ways that I honor Zeke is by making decisions, even the smaller ones, with him. Of course I can buy things I need without permission. He's not my boss. But somewhere along the line, something evil began to tell me that it's me vs. him. That he has too much power over me and my life.
And none of that is true. We're a team. It's not about me, it's about us. Not about my life, it's about our life. We make decisions together, bounce things off of each other. Consider each other's thoughts. He always does this for me, even with things that I have no experience with or things that are completely irrelevant to my life- like whether or not he should look into getting a tool or machine for his work. And I appreciate that. Because he was honoring me. And today, by forgetting that we're on the same side, that he loves and wants what's best for me, I dishonored him.
I'm going to explain all of this to him tonight, and I'll have a nice dinner and a back rub waiting for him when he gets home (one of his love languages is acts of service).
I think this is one of the biggest lessons that I've learned in newly-wed-dom so far-
As husband and wife, we're on the same side. Always. And that honoring one another, even with things that seem insignificant, is so very important.
I know what you mean, but it's okay to put yourself FIRST sometimes. You're your own person, with your own needs.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to treat yourself to some new clothes whether it's a gift card or a credit card, you can do that sister! In my relationship, there is no "my money" or "his money"... It's our money. We both contribute equally to our responsibilities, even though his contribution is more because of his higher paying job. Given that our bills are covered... He will spend money on golf, beers with the boys, hockey etc. WITHOUT discussing it with me... So why can't I go online and purchase a cute new outfit from time to time, go get my hair or nails done?
Don't feel guilty!
I agree with you about it being "our money" now, but in my marriage (and I know that every marriage is very different!) we don't spend money without telling one another. He doesn't spend money without telling me, ever. I guess it may be because of issues with my parents... they were very secretive about money and made finances a sore issue in our relationship, so I really need my husband to be completely transparent with me. Like I said, every relationship is different when it comes to how money is spent, and I even think that our way of handling money may change in the future, but for now we don't spend money without talking about it. The issue was more about my attitude than the money. You know? Anyway, thanks for the comment and your kindness!
DeleteSounds like you worked things out and that's important.
ReplyDeleteThe bottom line is that it takes time to learn to work together. My husband and I have been married 31 years and we're still learning how to relate to each other. It doesn't help that just when you figure things out (sort of), things change. We raised two kids and then last year we were done and had an empty nest. Now we have to figure some things out all over again!
It's a process and it takes time. You're on the right track!